Where have I been? Well, since my last entry I have been to Halifax and back, and now I'm in Vancouver again, staying with a very good, hospitable friend while I try to find a job.
Hm. I walked around Stanley Park this afternoon, the west facing afternoon sunny side. It was windy and cool, and the sun was really bright. It reminded me of a day in August/Sept, walking the beach at Point Reyes in Northern California. I like that feeling - like the wind and sun are passing right through you: 'you' seem somehow less relevant, more able to let go of all the bullshit notions you've got of who you are, who you were, and where you're going.
Because it's only when we let go of those illusions, and delusions, that we can start living. Or keep living.
I went back to Halifax for a number of reasons - to take care of some personal stuff I didn't finish up while there over the holidays, despite the no white flag policy, and: to see a woman. The mermaid, of course, who else would a wandering adventurer fall for in a fun, seedy port and a nation's ocean playground?
It was a fabulous, fabulous visit. Who knows where it will go, but we spent a lot of time outdoors, walking beaches and one another's favourite places, a lot of time alone together, and met / saw friends and family.
I've started a number of entries in the last 12 days or so, and wrote a whole one in paper in my journal on the plane. They may get written out here one day, in some form. The written one was about meditation, love, travel, and the objective observer. I haven't been objective enough to type it out. ;)
Work. Wtf? I thought I was on a wild, crazy adventure! Do I need a job(incredulous)?
Yes, yes I do.
True liberty is being in your right place. I was in it, and man, it was fun! After a lot of death, divorce and mountains of bullshit, I needed a break, I took it, and, like the pine I mentioned many blogs ago (two horses?) it was slightly selfish and... right. A starving person can't feed others.
And, in the vein of that blog I think I am now trying to drive my chariot with two different opposite horses, not black and white, but one the colour of clay, the other - see through. An empty cup and day to day reality. I guess this blog is even more full of strange references and oddly placed allusions - but what can I say, I haven't written for a while, and I've got pent up obscurity!
how will I know?
how will I know if I'm helping?
moreso, how will she know if I'm helping?
if I'm not in the saddle, I'm nothing - that's right!
I must admit I'm finding the job hunt challenging - it seemed I had so many professional options back in December, but now that I want them - they're playing hard to get. That's fine. I'm at a point of transition, taking my adventure from one phase to the next - now the new world I'm entering is not geographical, but personal, social, professional - all places you could say I've been before, but I think what is new, unknown, and as-yet-undiscovered - is the possibilty of a new kind of authenticity, living my ideals in a real tangible way here in the world.
And I'm glad I went to Stanley Park today and stood in that wind, and let that sun pass right through me - to 'empty my cup' - because clearly - on this point of transition - I wouldn't be having difficulty if I didn't have any bullshit illusions about who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. What are they?
If I knew, I'd be sparing myself what is, I'm sure, a really great life lesson!
I suspect it's something about manifestation, about taking ideas and making them real, which sometimes means a few alterations. And I know - some aspects are okay to alter, others are not, and that the trick is knowing which is which. I'm not sure I have the trick yet.
However, I do know some things that are pretty important to me:
1 - Life is fabulous, even on the challenging days, it is a mind-blowing adventure, and being in it, seeing it's constant iridescent, shimmering, shocking, utterly terrifying beauty, and horror, and imperfect perfection - is the only worthwhile use of any moment. Harder than it looks though.
2 - We are all made of clay. We live in clay. If we have big ideas; we have to make them out of clay.
3 - I have a job - I explore. I think the world I'm exploring now is scarier than Compton, but a lot more worthy to me. Although Compton was fun to pass through.
4 - I love writing. (Not saying I'm good at it, or that anyone reads it. Ok, my bro and a few friends and mer-people read it, and a Russian couple that are architects. They compete with my bro for the 'most faithful reader' prize. It will involve cookies. They'll probably be organic, preservative free (and made by me), so they may not mail well. Considering that, if the Russians win - they should probably come here and get them. In which case, I guess I should throw in dinner, a big bottle of vodka, and a place to crash for the night. If my bro wins I guess we'll mail the vodka to the Russians anyway, so really - you're already ahead of 'Pats homemade cookies.' Maybe they should go for second prize. The prizes will awarded at the thousandth entry, or when I'm 127 years old, whichever comes first.)
5 - I know there are bad mermaids out there, but there are good ones too. One's who believe in liberty, ideals and reality, and perhaps - interdependance vs. codependance. Or is that me? Did you know that some maple trees, who have very deep tap roots, bring three times the water they need to the surface, and distribute it to the plants around them? Crazy maple trees.
6 - I've "put safety fifth."
Little mermaid, you lured me, with your bad intentions. You lured me with talk of still more talk. I love it when you ramble. Are we the completists? I'm not sure what he means by that, so I don't want to say yes or no. Cleary, I am, once again - drinking beer and listening to the Tragically Hip. How else would I write a blog? Or are we "volition moving in the paths of chance."? Dunno. Time will tell.
But I do know that - I do miss my ma and pa, but not the way that I do miss you.
