One was lying open on the bed, "The Warrior's Path" by Louis L'Amour. Of course I took it home and read it, and after that gave it to my brother.
As I recall the L'Amour book was sort of about sailboats and pirates. In adjusting my ship's course I recently started reading the ole Bhagwan again - I Am That. And also re-started Warrior of the Light: A Manual, by Paulo Coelho.
And started meditating regularly again. Why? I don't know, I just did.
The Bhagwan describes the value of it as:
This is the meaning of the Upanishadic emphasis of 'action in inaction', or the Zen emphasis of 'effortless effort'... You are not to do anything, just sit silently so you can have an experience of your axle. Sitting silently you become more aware of the axle than the wheel.
His point is that the axle, the core, remains still, and that allows the wheel to move. Rummaging through my old journals last year I found one from when I was working and living on an organic blueberry farm, Matsqui Blue Farms, in Abbotsford, BC. I think I had just turned 21. There was a drawing I did, it was a perpendicular line with a single line spun around it many times, widest at the middle. I had written underneath it - "my soul spinning in perfection." It wasn't a statement, but a goal; to be at once in motion on the outside, and perfectly still on the inside. I was meditating a lot then too, and I guess that's what I still aim for these days.
This year's was a strange winter. After January I went beyond the point I had been able to plan to, and I struggled to find my path. Now that I (and the Universe) have decided on the next leg of my journey it's easier to simply move down that road, and it's exciting too.
That path now involves staying in Vancouver for a while and 'doing things' - like working, finding a place to live, etc. I feel kind of like... when I set out on this path, this journey, I didn't really realize how much it is not different.
It took doing it for me to see that we are all really travellers in life. Some of us find it more secure to stay in one place, or we simply like that, those people too, are constantly changing and evolving. Some of the losses in my life taught me well that everything ends. We are all ultimately travellers, and we all, ultimately - do not know where we are going.
I said to my Dad, in his eulogy, that I would "always move forward and advance on that image of perfection which you have given me."
He was not perfect, far from it. His perfection lay - in that he never gave up. On himself, on life. He never closed to life. That was his biggest lesson to me.
All the world's roads lead to the heart of the Warrior; he plunges unhesitatingly into the river of passions always flowing through his life.
The Warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and he makes those decisions with courage, detachment and sometimes - with just a touch of madness.
He embraces his passions and enjoys them intensely.
He knows that there is no need to renounce the pleasures of conquest; they are part of life and bring joy to all those who participate in them.
But he never loses sight of the things that last or of the strong bonds forged over time.
A Warrior can distinguish between the transient and the enduring.
By "enduring" - I think he means things that last a long time, not forever, but who knows? What is really enduring, other than that unmoving axle at the core of everything?
I remember thinking about it walking the leaf-scattered and sun dappled paths of Herstmonceaux Castle in Southern England. I was studying there and had time to goof off, to walk, and just think. And I was in nature, which I love and helps me see my own truth.
I remember thinking how there are basically three things that matter to me: my "work", the people in my life, and day-to-day enjoyment. That last one - I had lost track of for a while and was just starting to get in touch with again at that time. For me, those three things are enduring.
Day to day enjoyment, is as important to me as the other two because you cannot fight your battles, or be of any value to others - if you have a frown on your face. My Dad also taught me that, although it took a long time for me to get it. Make others laugh, appreciate the small beauties - a persons smile, flowers, a starry sky.
When the Warrior watches a sunset and feels no joy, then something is wrong.
At this point, he stops fighting and goes in search of company, so that they can watch the setting sun together.
What I only realize now, as I write this, is that it has all been guided by love. The service, the importance of the people in my life, the blissful moments. Sometimes I walk down the street (today), and am just blown away by the beauty of it all - some light rain falling on past-their-prime cherry blossoms, the hopeful unsure smile of a person walking past you, water running over dead grass. It's just this love, for everything, all of creation, everyone; good and bad, young and old, for myself, for people's vain hopes, selfish desires, stumbles, and moments of glory.
That love is what's made me who I am, despite the fact that it will all pass, or because it will all pass, and so will I. As a 'Child of God', in my own simple way - I am trying to be the best Transient I can.
So, I'm letting go of my glorious rambling, for now, as I ease myself down into a deeper stream. I guess it's not just about what I give, but what I want - these are my fundamental needs: meaning, people, joy.
A Warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs.
Without love, he is nothing.
You are the deep innerness of all things,
the last word that can never be spoken.
To each of us you reveal yourself differently:
to the ship as coastline, to the shore as ship.
You are the deep innerness of all things,
the last word that can never be spoken.
To each of us you reveal yourself differently:
to the ship as coastline, to the shore as ship.
