51

This is my 51st entry. I've been doing this for over a year now, the first - my blog, my chosen lifestyle , was Oct. 4th, 2010.

In some ways I didn't realize when I set out on this journey in June 2010, what I was getting into. It's been scary and tough at times (and absolutely wonderful, and the smartest thing I've ever done..), but I'm really thankful that I'm where I am right now. Hell, as my Boss said in a recent online chat:

"so, when do you want more work?

fuck, that sounds good. You live in the most beautiful spot on earth, and someone sends you work remotely."

Yeah, it's pretty good. I live in Tofino, and am slowly carving out a role as a nomadic lawyer/artist/writer. What people don't see is what it's taken to get here, and I have had moments when I've been sick, or wet, cold and alone, and thought, "jesus Pat, you gave up (insert item here - home/job/girlfriend) for this? - you're an idiot"
And I wonder sometimes if I am just a 'pilgrim' - someone looking for a shrine he's never found.

He's a poet, he's a picker--
He's a prophet, he's a pusher--
He's a pilgrim and a preacher, and a problem when he's stoned--

But then I think of the other things people don't see: the support and the love. My brother is chief in that realm (although maybe he is seen.. ;). But I don't think he knows, every time I stray a little farther from shore - that I couldn't do it without him, that every time I'm ready to break, or throw in the towel - he suddenly appears. And my awesome friends, Jesse James and his lovely Queen, the angel Gabriel, Button, An'K, Laura Dern, Gordie Howe - all support me in ways I'm not sure they realize.

I still feel like a charioteer - trying to master two opposing forces in my life - one is that Pilgrim, a wanderer from start to finish, in youth a perfect gypsy, loved and untouchable, in old age -a toothless madman, gibbering prophecy and dispensing wisdom, pissing in people's bushes. The other is a hero, a knight, with the highest of hopes and ideals- trying to save the damsel, slay the dragon, and find the holy grail. Somewhere in between there's a guy who has bills to pay and likes to have a warm bath occassionally.

And where does love fit into all this? Some people are fine without it, but I'm still looking for my giant-souled warrior woman / partner in sectret love and bold enterprise. Yet one would think that I was trying to set up a life where love was pretty much an impossibility. Maybe I'm just scared.

But the fact is, through all the self-doubt - I am getting closer to what I want: yoking all these opposing forces to a direction they can all abide by - a life of travel and adventure, of yes - slaying dragons (even little ones), speaking for those with no voice, protecting the weak, being a lawyer, artist, writer, wanderer - an errand knight. To me "err" and "knight" mean - admit your imperfections, but still shoot for the stars.

I write this blog to let others know that they are not alone in striving for a good life, their dreams, and to find meaning through action in this swirling, great, mysterious world. I feel connected to the occupiers of Wall St, youth in Syria, indigenous people all over the world throwing off the yoke of colonialism - to strive for freedom and justice is to be alive - and that includes kicking off social and cultural norms to create a new way of living.
The one I'm trying to create is one where we openly seek to be our best, to do our best - to show our love and gratitude for all of creation - through action. And where we're honest and open about who we are, our pleasures, needs, and shortcomings. And where we are accepting of those things in others. I believe in every moment we are creating our world, for better or worse - and this is one of the ways I hope to make it better.

Will I ever find my warrior princess? I assume she'll show up when she's ready. If not I'll go live on Mt. Shasta one day, and take her as my lover.
I invite fate, or nature, to decide...

... when white morning
Runs with a shout along the jagged mountains
Strength of a cotton thread draws out to Ariadne
The Bravest Soldier, The Wisest Judge,
The Mightiest King!

In the meantime I have an awesome life - walking this path alone, but not alone:

treading it with (happy) feet
until it meets some larger way
where many paths and errands meet..

Soul is Freedom. Love is Power. Hope is Love. Dreams are Revolutions...

Bedwell Sound, the river's source

"Swimming up that dark river to discover it's source... "

.. kept going through my mind today as we paddled (ok, I sat in the middle) a canoe up ___ river in Bedwell Sound, an arm of Clayoquot Sound.
We were scoping out some forestry work, to see if old-growth was being cut, and had a long hike ahead of us after our short paddle, which came after being dropped off by a water taxi, which came after a half hour boat ride from Tofino.

It's a place most people never get to see, I felt priveleged. We saw a bear on the path ahead of us at one point, it wandered off. Peaceful. Art the bear.

The loggers we were scoping out picked us up and drove us back down the hill in the rain, in the back of their pick-up truck. Not the first ride I've had in the back of a pick-up, in the rain, in 'end-of-the-road-country,' and not the best. But there's nothin on earth like riding in the back of a pick-up truck.
We saw heron's, they got up and flew to another spot, a hundred feet off, as we paddled by. Peaceful.

A blue preacher
flew toward the swamp
in slow motion

Out here there are          ... no chuches,
where God is imprisoned and lamented,
like a trapped and wounded animal.

Not trapped. And neither are we.

Swimming up this river, as we walked we talked about sasquatches, dentistry, and talking about dentistry. But also - about finding purpose in life. So casual, when it comes. Like a bear standing in the road in front of you, shrugs, and wanders off into the bush, like a heron flying by, croaking out holy dictates, unintelligable,

no yearning for an afterlife, no looking beyond,
no belittleing of death
but only longing for what belongs to us
and serving earth, lest we remain unused.

I guess that's why I'm here. This is my church. I said a while ago (four or five entries ago) - that I (we) had to figure out which ideal we serve, and then - everything's easy, most questions are answered (or irrelevent) and all we have to do is do it. Serve the earth, lest we remain unused. I guess I, and we - are getting closer to that.

It wasn't a glorious mission, we didn't succeed and get the photos or info we were looking for. We didn't kill Captain Kurtz. We had lunch on a log. I picked up rocks. We saw an eagle, salmon jumped out of the sea,

One is a long time coming to the point
where the enchanted may be free
all charms be neutralized, and everything
be what it, shining, seems to be.