Winding up another weekend of adventure. Came into Vancouver for a course on Friday and went out to Bowen Island that night to hang with a friend and make some new ones.
Had a fun night of mild partying - a few drinks, some music and conversation. The next day we went out for breakfast, then went for a walk in the park. I talked to Doc Holliday (my law school pal) about life, practice, business, and art. We're on a similar trajectory of seeing some changes coming, wanting to exercise our creativity more, and still being children in the world of 'following your dreams and actually making a living'.
Then we all did the requisite skinny dip, I was first in. Yay. Life is to be lived, it is a great buffet, why say, "oh, just water please."? Nope, give me a big bite of skinny dipping with friends at every chance, please.
Saturday aft I came into Van. When I was leaving Bowen I missed the ferry. Doc H. was with me, and as I was running for it some dude's dog came out chasing me and barking. I was a bit sneery about it, but also found it funny, and it took about two seconds for the funny side to get the sneery laughing as well. A sure sign.
Dog-Dude said, "you missed your ferry, was it important that you get there right away?"
"No, not really .. (confused inner expression)"
"So, was it important, do you need to get there.. ?"
"(slowly clueing in..) Yeah, yeah.. I kinda need to get there.."
"Oh, want a lift?"
"(What planet am I on?) .. Sure, I'd love one!"
It turned out Doc H knew Dog-Dude, so he came along for the ride, and, after a quick tour of Dog-Dude's sail-boat that he lives on, we skipped over the wave-tops in a tiny white zodiac with a 20hp outboard, and beat the ferry there by 30 seconds or so.
I remember when I was living in Ontario in 2008-9. I met this awesome Elder, and I realized, through some tough times, that I had some serious healing to do, and was not so happy with life. I asked him to be my counsellor, and it turned out he was a pretty important guy, who gives his time selflessly to causes bigger than mine. But he said yes anyway. Just that kinda guy. We never really connected for a session, but we talked on the phone a few times very briefly. He asked me my story, and I told him. He said, "Paddy Mc-aloon (not what he really said), I just have one question for you to think about - do you really love yourself?" That's what he really said.
I still think about it, but very differently than I did. Today I'm writing about it. In five words he summed up all the therapy I needed, and gave me food for thought for years and a door to step through that I wouldn't even begin to understand until long after I'd done it.
So, I got to Vancouver, and later last night went to a little party of a bunch of radical activists who are most certainly high on any 'enemy-of-the-state' lists. And my 'very-good, sweet-young-people' list. Good time.
Over the last two years I've allowed myself to slip back into suffer-mode. And when it's suffer-for-a-cause-mode, it's not any better. Ridiculous.
When I left Ontario three years ago and went on my Great Road Trip # X out of a Zillion, I didn't realize why I did it until much later. Again, the clarity came in that critical time in Northern California three or so months into it. I've written about it before: I saw that in my process of healing I had come to love myself, I had made choices that reflected self-love, and I was happy.
Chatting with a friend this morning who was gracious enough to sit and listen to my story, I heard it again and got a new lesson from it: you can write I Love You on your bathroom mirror every day for a year, give yourself notes in your lunch box, and really feel it too. It doesn't go that far. If you make choices that are fundamentally abusive, if you constantly seek to change yourself in a way that implies that your current 'you' isn't good enough - that's not love. It's a juvenile crush. You need real, mature love from yourself, and that is: Acceptance.
Once you've accepted your Self - everything flows from that - you can (and will) make choices that are in acceptance and recognition of the real you.
Heading back to my tuff little town this afternoon, slightly transformed by travel and joy. Slightly awakened, perhaps, again, not to something, but by it; by my choice to take a few weekends of my September, and enjoy myself. No "I love you's" needed. The writing is on the wall.
But now - what choices flow from that?
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