This trip hasn't just been composed of lollygagging about, as much as that's the face I've enjoyed portraying. When I was in California in August the plan was to finish a paper from law school on depleted uranium munitions. I discussed this a bit in my "California" entry - but not what it means. It was the biggest expense for the trip - to book some space of my own in Berekely so I could do my research at the library there and get the paper finished to send out for publication. In doing research I found - my paper! - someone else wrote and published it already! And did a fine job. Maybe not the way I would have done it, but that's ok. It made mine redundant regardless. And that's ok too. Dissapointing though.
I had worked hard on it; many many hours.
It was a moment of awakening: that time passes, and whatever you want to do - you have to do it now, in the never-ending present. It inspired me to start this blog.
I sent a link to a friend the other day for John Cage's 4'33'' - one of my favorite pieces of music. I found out about him from the Tragically Hip song 'Tiger the Lion,' I was entranced by the line, "Simply to wake to your life...", as that was what I was trying to do - this step out in life - leaving what was ostensibly my home, living without a net - all in pursuit of that.
I think waking to your life happens in many ways, that point in Berkeley where I realized all that work was for nothing but my own education - I saw that no matter what else I do, my old habits of procrastination and delay - not that I'm lazy, I work hard, I'm just not good at finsihing stuff sometimes - saw that I'll never achieve my dreams without becoming more effective.
My last few blogs have mentoned the search for clarity about what to do next - where there is none. Can I just admit that I don't know? One thing I do know - I've learned some things about myself over the last few months - things that have to shape all my future decisions, or else I'd be turning my back on myself - my faithful travelling companion. Jesus, I've done that before. Left that poor fker waiting by the side of the road for years...
So, now it's time to blend travel and work, and see if that part of my "me-as-an-experiment" experiment works out like I hoped. ;)
I think it's safe to say that follow-through is another point of personal power - things started and not finished hang out there in the ethers, draining it.
In truth, every moment is a struggle to wake to our lives, I wonder if the best way is to not try.
Here's a John Cage quote, not the one I was looking for, but potentially appropriate,
"The highest purpose is to have no purpose at all. This puts one in accord with nature, in her manner of operation."
If we stop trying to wake up to our lives, stop treating them as if our real lfe is something outside, beyond what we see and experience every day - what will happen? I'll tell you if I manage to let go of trying.
This was not what I had planned to learn in Berkeley, but I'll take the lesson and be thankful for it.
Slowly, bit by bit, I am waking to my life, as we all are.
Now? - I'm living on raw food, yoga and friendship on the Sunshine Coast. It's snowing, it's beautiful outside. The Universe and I are getting along fine. I still wait at these crossroads, knowing I won't be here forever, happy to be here today.
I got a giftbox from my brother in the mail yesterday, there were many cool things in it, one of which was a little stuffed pelican named 'Mully' - to fly high and far. Another, a photocopied page with A Warrior's Creed on it, about 18 lines from an anonymous samurai, written in the fourteenth century, on it is this:
I have no designs: I make "seizing opportunity by the forelock" my design.
No comments:
Post a Comment