That's my favourite Christmas song. It has been since I was 17 or 18; 1989.
They're singin deck the halls,
but it's not like Christmas at all
I remember when you were here
and all the fun we had last year
I spent most of my Christmas on planes this year. Funny, most people would whine about that, I thought it was the nicest gift I could give myself. And it was, that, and the result - getting back to Halifax to see my bro and friends and family.
(In case any readers haven't figured this out yet - I'm kinda like one of those dogs that just likes to go places - in the car, walks, trips, wherever, just mention "road trip," and, like putting your hand up to catch a ball that someone throws to you, I say, "I'm ready.")
And heaven will smell like the airport,
but I may never get that proven
...
You're an animal too
I made my first friend at 6am when I got on the subway/skytrain in Vancouver - Mark, I think - cool guy, little younger than me - getting on the same flight to Toronto. No friends on the flight, just time to read. Ah, time to read.
On the second flight I sat next to a lovely woman - Angel - indeed. Tons of stuff in common, chatted away and read and napped. Ok, I was meditating.
I find planes, buses and trains a great place to do that and arrive refreshed and clear. The steward, who looked like the jedi knight Mace Windu, had come by a few times already, commenting on my Joseph Campbell book - Pathways to Bliss (my other Christmas present to myself). Published posthumously, which I normally avoid, but since I have a bumper sticker that says "Follow Your Bliss" on my journal, I thought I'd try it.
It's great so far. At times I think Campbel-worship has gotten in the way and they should have edited certain things, but then - I like the open quality of it. More on that later, once I'm farther into the book.
Angel, a Hindu, was reading a book on Buddhism. As I was finishing up meditating he came by and asked her/us if we meditate. Hilarious. We were like the secret guru threesome. Fun, fun flight. Perfect for Christmas.
But then, traveling on Christmas isn't only about the joy of it. It's also "walking to slay the ghost." For me anyway.
For someone who's lost people in life, holidays have a funny taint. Strangely, out of everyone, the one I think of most often at Christmas is an ex-girlfriend, Laura, who passed away a few years ago. Ok, ten years ago. She was 27ish. She was never actually my girlfriend, but 'just a friend.' We met in grade 11. I was certainly in love with her. I always thought, one day, older, we'd run into each other in a hotel bar in Cairo, or Chicago, and talk - really talk about what had happened and what we had meant to each other.
In 2000 when she died we hadn't talked in years, we were both married and in our late twenties, she lived down in the states. She had health problems when I knew her, so I wasn't surprised as much as saddened.
We had always talked about travel; one day being photographers for national geographic, or such things. It was a reminder to me, in a long season of death - to live my life, that those things you put off till later, you may never get to do.
We had a great Christmas holiday together back then, I guess the first of my life with love's bloom, and Arthur and I played that song by U2 over and over.
I gotta say, now - after almost 6 months of travel - is the closest I've ever felt to the being the person I was back then, in some ways I am more 'me'. Strange.
Arthur gave me two books for Christmas - The Writing Warrior, by Laraine Herring, and Film Production Management 101: The Ultimate Guide for Film and Television Production Management and Coordination, by Deborah S. Patz. The one I (and I think all men) ask to come home is - not Laura, but my own divine feminine (although I wouldn't complain). Here are two books taking me further into creativity, written by women, about warriorship and laying out paths to action. In all knight tales the knight gets lost, and women guide him. Of course the books would be meaningless if they weren't blissful for me, if they didn't resonate - but I clearly love to write, and I woke up at 3:45 am last night to read the book on film production. Incidentally, I also posted my thanks on facebook earlier today, not thinking of this blog entry - to all the wonderful women in my life, and there are many. I'm really blessed. Maybe I'm getting closer to some sort of unity with the archetypal feminine. I don't know.
Last week a girlfriend of mine fb messaged me - "Happy Blissmas," and I started repeating it. It goes with the book, and my life these days. This journey I'm on is about just that - finding my path. And old JC has reminded me of it.
This quote from the bliss book is Joseph Campbell re-telling a key part of La Queste del Saint Graal in his own words, with some interpretation too:
There's a moment in King Arthur's banquet hall when all the knights are assembled around the Round Table. Arthur would not let anyone start to eat until an adventure had occurred. Well, in those days adventures were rather normal, so people didn't go hungry for long.
They were waiting for this day's adventure, and it did indeed occur. The Holy Grail itself showed itself to the assembled knights - not in its full glory but covered with a great, radiant cloth. Then it withdrew. All were left ravished, sitting there in awe.
Finally, Gawain, Arthur's nephew, stood up and said, "I propose a vow to this company, that we should all go in quest of that Grail to behold it unveiled."
Now we come to the text that interested me. The text reads, "They thought it would be a disgrace to go forth in a group. Each entered the Forest Adventurous at that point which he himself had chosen, where it was darkest and there was no way or path."
You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there's a way or path, it is someone else's path; each human being is a unique phenomenon.
The idea is to find your own pathway to bliss.
Happy Blissmas to All.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Life's Grand Adventure...
"I hate adventure collectors" I said to Clyf as we drove across Northern Ontario in early July. What I meant was - people who, everything they do outdoors, has to be bigger, faster, better. But really - who am I to judge? If that's your thing - go for it! Clyf and I talked about a lot of stuff rolling through Ontario - it's so big, so beautiful, endless rock, river, forest, rock, river, forest, rock, river, forest...
"Let's go bungy jumping" I said to Clyf as I woke him up - in a hostel in Whistler a few weeks later, both of us hung over from the night before...
He laughed, "Awesome! But I thought you hated adventure collecting.." he said in his late-morning-so-deep it's-almost-below-human-hearing-range voice.
"This is not 'adventure-collecting' - it's fun, there's a difference!
"whatever, lets go -"
Let's go.
I finally dug out my copy of Shambala: Sacred path of the Warrior, by Chogyam Trungpa, and started reading it again. It seemed so on-point for my journey, for this: my 22nd entry.
Some people might say this world is the work of a divine principle, but the Shambala teachings are not concerned with divine origins. The point of warriorship is to work personally with our situation now, as it is. - Chogyam Trungpa
As it is. Today. To be enjoyed or not enjoyed. To be savoured or not savoured. This entry might be about the secret of letting go. Something about the magic and wonder of life. I jumped off a cliff in taking this trip, and every time I've wanted to veer in and grab on a branch - I have resisted that temptation. Thankfully.
That is the sixty-four-thousand dollar question: how much have you connected with yourself at all in your whole life? - Chogyam Trungpa
And in falling, in the beauty of falling - I remember the 'high,' they call it - it's this beautiful peace that seems like a taste of forever. As I plummeted on the end of a rope, after I panicked and then realized there was no going back, and then gave up, and resigned myself to it (yes, there's time for all that, and more - to pass through your mind), and then, bouncing on the rope, swinging, I wanted it to never end - in that moment you can know yourself. And that moment can last a lot longer in real life - if you don't panic and run for the first safe harbour. Instead - you get time with yourself, so uncomfortable, so amazingly comfortable. I can't imagine going back. It has been such a pleasure getting to know me over the past five months, 20 days.
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length--and there I travel looking, looking breathlessly." - Carlos Castaneda
The fool is both 1 and 22 in the major arcana of the tarot, end and beginning of the archetypal "Hero's Journey." Why? Well, really, most people either say it's # 0, or 22. I say it's both. Each cycle of self-realization, personal growth - the archetypal inner journey - is begun by taking a leap of faith, and then, after all the trials and phases that go with that process, after ending with the World - completion of your self and your place in the Universe - you leap off a cliff again into the unknown - take a step in your inner and/or outer life beyond everything you've learned - in faith, hope, and naiveté.
Last Saturday night I came back to my friends place that I was staying at, and she said, "I have a question for you, you should have a drink first." I said "shoot, I don't need a drink," and she said (we were going to what promised to be a quite fun but reasonably civilized non-dress-up party) "let's dress up as superhero's!"
What can you say to that: "cha-ching!" I think I said, "I'd wear a cape every day if I could get away with it..." [check the last para. of my first blog entry]. I went as Robin, she went as Wonder-Woman, and the other two hero's went as Green Lantern and Superman. It was awesome.
Once we got to the party, or maybe before, I said "we should go out on the town!!" I mean, hey - why have half a fun night? So we did. We were in Tofino, where there's only two options: the Legion or the Maquinna (commonly referred to as the devil bar, although I've had some good times there). We tried the Legion because a lovely young lady I know was there, but it was way too tame for superhero's, so we went to the devil bar. Probably fitting :)
As we walked in this dude came up to me, kinda tough looking, biggish, we had psyched ourselves up that everyone was going to hate/make fun of us, leading to beatings. I, being detached and accompanied by my inner observer, kinda shrugged - curious as to where this was going. He pointed at me and said, "you're the Robin from the Teen Titans, you're out on your own, you don't need Batman anymore.. " The rest of the night followed that, it was fun to feel cool for once. That's not self-pity, but like the kid in Almost Famous - I'm not cool.
Being the Fool is about letting go of yourself - who you think you are, who you want to be, and there is an element of the clown to it too - mocking yourself. In humour there is freedom. And magic in enjoying life.
"The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity." - JFK
Jumping off a cliff is a way of creating a crisis for yourself. To feel alive, induce change and growth. If there's no danger, there's no opportunity.
I guess I'm still in danger, considering I have no home, and a fixed (rapidly decreasing) amount of money, and no job (yet). But I don't really feel it - I actually feel fairly secure, in travel - surfing through life. January 1st will mark six months of homelessness, and I feel like it will come with a sense of completion for that stage of my errand. What cliff will I jump off of then?
God only knows.
The truth is that life is hard and dangerous; that those who seek their own happiness do not find it; that those who are weak must suffer; that those who demand love will be dissapointed; that those who are greedy will not be fed; that those who seek peace will find strife; that truth is only for the brave; that joy is only for those that do not fear to be alone; that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die. - Joyce Cary
Remember, you cannot abandon what you do not know. To go beyond yourself, you must know yourself.
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
My journey so far has been about going beyond the self I knew before, and getting to know myself all over again. It's certainly got me in touch with new dreams, new hopes, new opportunities, and a new vision, based on just watching me enjoy life, take risks, laugh, love, stumble, try, not-try.
Life's grand adventure - I've never embraced it more fully. And while it's true that life is hard and dangerous, it is also so stunningly gorgeous, so fabulously miraculous, and utterly simple and complex at the same time, I do travel it breathlessly, in awe and wonder.
I know so many people are feeling this way these days; stepping out and making big changes in their lives, based on seeing the pointlessness of collecting more stuff/jobs/biggerhouses/more money, and feeling a longing for something deeper, inside ourselves and between all of us.
I feel like it must be astrological, or part of a great rising tide: of a refusal to live anymore in the way we were told; but to value instead the experience, each other, find some meaning, maybe even - (am I on a rant here?) - as we refuse to do anything other than flower as individuals - a flowering of society, based on love, self-realization, honesty, sharing, service? Hope..? Adventurousness of spirit...?
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I know I'm not the only one.
"Let's go bungy jumping" I said to Clyf as I woke him up - in a hostel in Whistler a few weeks later, both of us hung over from the night before...
He laughed, "Awesome! But I thought you hated adventure collecting.." he said in his late-morning-so-deep it's-almost-below-human-hearing-range voice.
"This is not 'adventure-collecting' - it's fun, there's a difference!
"whatever, lets go -"
Let's go.
I finally dug out my copy of Shambala: Sacred path of the Warrior, by Chogyam Trungpa, and started reading it again. It seemed so on-point for my journey, for this: my 22nd entry.
Some people might say this world is the work of a divine principle, but the Shambala teachings are not concerned with divine origins. The point of warriorship is to work personally with our situation now, as it is. - Chogyam Trungpa
As it is. Today. To be enjoyed or not enjoyed. To be savoured or not savoured. This entry might be about the secret of letting go. Something about the magic and wonder of life. I jumped off a cliff in taking this trip, and every time I've wanted to veer in and grab on a branch - I have resisted that temptation. Thankfully.
That is the sixty-four-thousand dollar question: how much have you connected with yourself at all in your whole life? - Chogyam Trungpa
And in falling, in the beauty of falling - I remember the 'high,' they call it - it's this beautiful peace that seems like a taste of forever. As I plummeted on the end of a rope, after I panicked and then realized there was no going back, and then gave up, and resigned myself to it (yes, there's time for all that, and more - to pass through your mind), and then, bouncing on the rope, swinging, I wanted it to never end - in that moment you can know yourself. And that moment can last a lot longer in real life - if you don't panic and run for the first safe harbour. Instead - you get time with yourself, so uncomfortable, so amazingly comfortable. I can't imagine going back. It has been such a pleasure getting to know me over the past five months, 20 days.
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length--and there I travel looking, looking breathlessly." - Carlos Castaneda
The fool is both 1 and 22 in the major arcana of the tarot, end and beginning of the archetypal "Hero's Journey." Why? Well, really, most people either say it's # 0, or 22. I say it's both. Each cycle of self-realization, personal growth - the archetypal inner journey - is begun by taking a leap of faith, and then, after all the trials and phases that go with that process, after ending with the World - completion of your self and your place in the Universe - you leap off a cliff again into the unknown - take a step in your inner and/or outer life beyond everything you've learned - in faith, hope, and naiveté.
Last Saturday night I came back to my friends place that I was staying at, and she said, "I have a question for you, you should have a drink first." I said "shoot, I don't need a drink," and she said (we were going to what promised to be a quite fun but reasonably civilized non-dress-up party) "let's dress up as superhero's!"
What can you say to that: "cha-ching!" I think I said, "I'd wear a cape every day if I could get away with it..." [check the last para. of my first blog entry]. I went as Robin, she went as Wonder-Woman, and the other two hero's went as Green Lantern and Superman. It was awesome.
Once we got to the party, or maybe before, I said "we should go out on the town!!" I mean, hey - why have half a fun night? So we did. We were in Tofino, where there's only two options: the Legion or the Maquinna (commonly referred to as the devil bar, although I've had some good times there). We tried the Legion because a lovely young lady I know was there, but it was way too tame for superhero's, so we went to the devil bar. Probably fitting :)
As we walked in this dude came up to me, kinda tough looking, biggish, we had psyched ourselves up that everyone was going to hate/make fun of us, leading to beatings. I, being detached and accompanied by my inner observer, kinda shrugged - curious as to where this was going. He pointed at me and said, "you're the Robin from the Teen Titans, you're out on your own, you don't need Batman anymore.. " The rest of the night followed that, it was fun to feel cool for once. That's not self-pity, but like the kid in Almost Famous - I'm not cool.
Being the Fool is about letting go of yourself - who you think you are, who you want to be, and there is an element of the clown to it too - mocking yourself. In humour there is freedom. And magic in enjoying life.
"The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity." - JFK
Jumping off a cliff is a way of creating a crisis for yourself. To feel alive, induce change and growth. If there's no danger, there's no opportunity.
I guess I'm still in danger, considering I have no home, and a fixed (rapidly decreasing) amount of money, and no job (yet). But I don't really feel it - I actually feel fairly secure, in travel - surfing through life. January 1st will mark six months of homelessness, and I feel like it will come with a sense of completion for that stage of my errand. What cliff will I jump off of then?
God only knows.
The truth is that life is hard and dangerous; that those who seek their own happiness do not find it; that those who are weak must suffer; that those who demand love will be dissapointed; that those who are greedy will not be fed; that those who seek peace will find strife; that truth is only for the brave; that joy is only for those that do not fear to be alone; that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die. - Joyce Cary
Remember, you cannot abandon what you do not know. To go beyond yourself, you must know yourself.
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
My journey so far has been about going beyond the self I knew before, and getting to know myself all over again. It's certainly got me in touch with new dreams, new hopes, new opportunities, and a new vision, based on just watching me enjoy life, take risks, laugh, love, stumble, try, not-try.
Life's grand adventure - I've never embraced it more fully. And while it's true that life is hard and dangerous, it is also so stunningly gorgeous, so fabulously miraculous, and utterly simple and complex at the same time, I do travel it breathlessly, in awe and wonder.
I know so many people are feeling this way these days; stepping out and making big changes in their lives, based on seeing the pointlessness of collecting more stuff/jobs/biggerhouses/more money, and feeling a longing for something deeper, inside ourselves and between all of us.
I feel like it must be astrological, or part of a great rising tide: of a refusal to live anymore in the way we were told; but to value instead the experience, each other, find some meaning, maybe even - (am I on a rant here?) - as we refuse to do anything other than flower as individuals - a flowering of society, based on love, self-realization, honesty, sharing, service? Hope..? Adventurousness of spirit...?
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I know I'm not the only one.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Homelessness and the Heart (the World)
"Home is where you hang your hat" - Mike
"Home is the place where, when you need to go there - they have to take you in." - Hemmingway
"Home is where your heart is" - Charlene
For starters - I don't. We are all the same. I've never felt that separation between me and poor people. At times there has hardly been one. My Dad used to pick up hitchhikers, and hire guys that were practically homeless for his contracting / house-painting business. Everyone talked. Those guys talked about the same things everyone else did, being all men: women, politics, money, cars/trucks, and women.
"You can't save the whole world, Pat." "they'll drain you dry in a big city like this.." That was said to me in Vancouver - no criticism, but the speaker knew I had lived in Toronto for a year as well...
I went out for coffee with a friend in Van the other day, we ended up having beers and dinner instead, and he insisted on paying - because he's employed and I'm a mendicant vagabond. I had forty bucks in my pocket for the coffee and whatever else might come up, so the next day - I still had forty bucks.
I stopped to chat with a dude outside Capers on West 4th Ave - he was around my age, said he had just gotten out of detox a few days ago - I asked for what. Heroine. I didn't blink, but I did inside.
Inside I said, "Thank fxxk, God, and everything else that I never went there, that I've never fallen down that rabbit-hole.." We chatted some more, I had given him two bucks when I came up, then he said he'd been sleeping outside since he got out. We could both tell it was gonna be a cold night.
He mentioned that the shelter he liked would cost 20 bucks. I changed the topic and thought for a minute while talking about other stuff - then switched to lawyer mode, stopped smiling, looked him in the eyes and said, "if I give you 20 bucks are you going to go there?" He said yes - that's what he wanted, a warm bed and to try to get his life on track. I heard those voices of friends and past co-workers - "They'll just spend it on drugs." "Don't give them money.." And I heard another voice - one that said, "there, but for the grace of God - go I."
He said the people coming out of Capers all ignored him - that he'd only gotten 2-3 bucks all afternoon - which pisses me off to no end. We live in such a place of privelege - to walk into this store and buy all the healthy, raw, organic, fresh, delicious food we want -to support health and happiness. Anyway - that's their path.
My path was to give that guy twenty bucks.
I remember back in those days as a kid, watching my Dad talk to people, he talked to everybody, King and pauper - the same way - open and warm - and I remember observing: that all people really wanted was human contact, to be understood.
When I don't have money I still stop and talk, when I have money I can give - I do. Being single and footloose - "I pretty much do what I want." Because internally that is what's legitimate for me - I haven't tried to enforce any rule on myself - I approach the people I meet every day as my equals and brothers/sisters. Sometimes tough love is right - sometimes people just need a hand.
Homelessness has been an interesting discussion point along this journey, and honestly - I am both homeless and with a home. As I mentioned before - I've had a lot of fun with people by saying "I'm homeless," and been surprised by people's reaction to it - as if I couldn't fit into that 'class' reserved for the poor, drug-addicted and homeless - people who beg, and steal, and would borrow too if anyone would loan them anything. My point is - that I am part of that class - they are actually simply people who don't have homes. Other than that they are diverse, like me, and like you. Alcoholic, or bad spellers, or selfish, or self-sacrificing, hurt, hoping, somewhere between birth and death, heaven and hell.
I'm in Tofino today, not many homeless people - it's too rainy and cold at this time of year. Luckily, I have some nice couches to surf. I stayed with friends at a beautiful house on the hill overlooking Clayoquot Sound last night - we chatted this morning over breakfast about Ken Wilbur and integral theory - I am one of the luckiest homeless guys in the world, I must say.
But I'm also very lucky these days, and I appreciate it deeply - because of the home I do have, one that many people don't, whether they have a place to live or not: my home is my Self, being with who I really am - and I can be there any time. I am there all the time, if I choose.
And - my home is also the World: this planet Earth / nature, which I love every inch of so much. And the World in the sense of 'what is outside of me' - I realized years ago that for many people what is most important for them is home; their house, family etc, and for me it's not - it's my role in the world - this is ultimately where I find redemption, expansion, answer, me.
And the World in the sense of - all the places I haven't been yet: China, Singapore, Laos, Madagsacar, Gautemala, Bolivia, Argentina, Tuktuyaktuk, the River Ob, the MacKenzie River, Japan, Mongolia, Hawaii, Philipines, Ethiopia, Lebanon, Turkey, Spain, Australia - you get the picture.. = Travel. The World.
Home is where your heart is. A friend painted that on the back of a little gift she gave me years ago, I've mentioned it before - a prized possession. I am who I am. My heart is in myself in the world. I love being "homeless."
Home is where you hang your heart.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Travels with the Objective Observer
"Why am I so damn happy?" I kept asking myself. I think I first realized it as a strange phenomenon in Northern California, on my way back to Canada, somewhere around Mt. Shasta. As I stated in a previous entry - I should have been lonely. I had been travelling alone for days, speaking to no-one but the hotel clerks. I was soo happy! Bursting with joy.
Why?
I couldn't figure it out. Then I started to. Then I observed myself for a while - to see if I was right.
I may be.
I was happy (aside from the fact that I love to travel) because my 'objective observer' was intact. A part of myself that, no matter what I did, did not get involved - but just observed. "Shall I call Lou and stop at his place or not?" "Shall I stay at Karachi's and go out with all the yoga girls or not?" At each crossroads I had emotional, psychological attachments to each road, each possible way, but the objective observer - he just watched, and could say, 'well, yes, if that, this might happen - and if this, that might happen.."
Nothing was relevant, or irrelevant - it just was. And so - I was freed, free to be myself, simply do what I wanted.
I got a lovely life lesson from an Irish girl I met in a hostel in Toronto in 2006, she stood in the kitchen, leaned back against the sink, and said, "I pretty much do what I want." As if it was a life policy. A damn fine idea, I says.
I might want to do something for someone else, I might want to give my life in service to others, lets not pretend I do it for any other reason than that I want to.
So here I am, driving up the I5, suddenly realizing that I am not lonely because I am not alone - I am with my Self.
I picked up a great book in Edmonton on Sept 11 2007 at a little shop just off Whyte Ave - The Secret of Letting Go, by Guy Finley. He recommends that you never try to change anything about yourself - just observe. It's so empowering. Chicken out every time your boss yells at you? Lie about being attracted to other people? Don't try to change it - just watch yourself, from inside. Slowly things change on their own. It's like meditation in life.
In meditation - you have thoughts, you neither embrace them nor push them away - you just let them happen and keep meditating. Life can be like that - things happen, you fall in love, climb a mountain, get a speeding ticket, trip and scrape your knee, you can live it fully - be passionate and engaged, but part of you just observes.
Observes you be passionate, or not, do unwise things, or wise things. Then you don't get lost in the experience. Just like in meditation, part of you just watches it go by, and doesn't get involved.
I used to think the Buddhist idea of detachment was cold, would make life passionless, but maybe this is more what it's about - if this inner character, the inner observer - is healthy and doing her/his thing - you can be totally passionate and engaged with what's going on around you, but not get lost, not lose perspective. Then you are happy. It's weird, I'm not sure why that is, but I think it is.
For instance - just after I came off the raw food cleanse of about 21/2 weeks - I went out last Saturday night with some friends - we started with a tame but fun delicious dinner of salmon, roast potatoes, salad, wine, then not so tame - ended up at a little private bar in Gibsons, and there I am - half drunk, up on the dance floor screaming woo-hoo and leading the charge - inciting people a lot younger than me to let it all go and dance their asses off!
I didn't let myself have fun for years, and I'm still catching up ;) My physical energy, after the raw food - was fantastic. I highly recommend it. But certainly - no matter how much I yelled, boogied, flirted, or consumed - there all along was my inner observer, probably smiling, simply observing.
I had a long conversation about this with a friend in North Vancouver the other night, this and many other topics - we talked about warriorship and carrying the meditative state into life. He, a quite informed and spiritually well-read person, hadn't really heard of the concept of warriorship as an individual path, an expression of 'the Hero's Journey' a la Joseph Campbell. I wonder how much of my current ideas I've read, and how much are just my own theories.
As I've said before, it's not really about being 'good' it's about being whole, being who you are. The observer doesn't care if you're good or not, but will give a little 'ahem' every time you stray from being authentic. I'm not sure how all this fits together - should you be yourself if you're an evil bastard? I strangely suspect that people become evil bastards by not being themselves. But what do I know? I've got it easy - it is my nature to be good (most of the time), which is pretty socially acceptable.
Considering the title of my blog it might be timely to think about Spiritual Warriorship (along the lines of the Buddhist ideal / Carlos Castaneda / Samurai's), Knighthood (or some modern reinterpretation of that) service, meditation, self-realization, and the objective observer. But I think I'll follow it up in a subsequent entry - it deserves some space.
"He will do all the actions of the world but remain deep down unmoved." So said the Bhagwan on the topic of having learned meditation early in life, seeing the depths it can open,and then returning to the world.
I just got a letter from a good friend, a lawyer who's just turned 60, is at the top of his profession, and facing the problems of aging - health issues etc. Sometimes I feel so arrogant for the life I'm living; wandering around, purely indulging myself, thinking and writing about all these things. But I just can't change it. I know that if I'm going to be of any value in this world, or to myself - I have to grow as it comes up. Like a plant - the leaves, flowers, fruit: unfurl, and ripen, and fall - each in their season.
I hope these thoughts are useful to someone, maybe entertaining, maybe they're thinking about the same things. I know for a fact - it is part of my unfolding as a human being.
Mr. Objective n I are on our way back to Tofino - the promised land. In the last five months I've changed my vison of myself - or rather, it has been changed. As I invited - by taking a fool's leap. I feel pretty energized and ready to get back to work - but at what? I think what I've been writing about is pretty indicative of what I really care about - which is where I should be putting my energy and drive. To really "follow my bliss."
I may try some pretty radical professional moves in the next year, or few months - win or lose, I know my companion will be with me. The value of simply observing: observing myself as a traveller, as a lover of life, in nature, in a professional sense, watching my passions, my follies, has been a blessing. In some ways this entry is subsequent to my third entry - "Riding two horses: some initial thoughts on service." Guy was right, it has been a potent force for change in my life.
I'll end (almost) with another quote from the Bhagwan -
"Again let me remind you of the metaphor of the wheel and the axle: the axle remains unmoving; it is because of the unmoving axle that the wheel moves. ... By remaining unmoving it is supporting the wheel to move."
All this time off, revisioning - has allowed me to become peaceful inside, even in action. And because of that - I can feel the wheel start to turn again, as if of its own accord - because of the stillness of the inner core.
I've written this blog from a shamelessly self-centered perspective. There's a reason for that - when I talk to people I find they often identify with my experiences, so I figured I'd tell my story and thoughts, and let people get what they want out of it.
God speaks to each of us when he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
Why?
I couldn't figure it out. Then I started to. Then I observed myself for a while - to see if I was right.
I may be.
I was happy (aside from the fact that I love to travel) because my 'objective observer' was intact. A part of myself that, no matter what I did, did not get involved - but just observed. "Shall I call Lou and stop at his place or not?" "Shall I stay at Karachi's and go out with all the yoga girls or not?" At each crossroads I had emotional, psychological attachments to each road, each possible way, but the objective observer - he just watched, and could say, 'well, yes, if that, this might happen - and if this, that might happen.."
Nothing was relevant, or irrelevant - it just was. And so - I was freed, free to be myself, simply do what I wanted.
I got a lovely life lesson from an Irish girl I met in a hostel in Toronto in 2006, she stood in the kitchen, leaned back against the sink, and said, "I pretty much do what I want." As if it was a life policy. A damn fine idea, I says.
I might want to do something for someone else, I might want to give my life in service to others, lets not pretend I do it for any other reason than that I want to.
So here I am, driving up the I5, suddenly realizing that I am not lonely because I am not alone - I am with my Self.
I picked up a great book in Edmonton on Sept 11 2007 at a little shop just off Whyte Ave - The Secret of Letting Go, by Guy Finley. He recommends that you never try to change anything about yourself - just observe. It's so empowering. Chicken out every time your boss yells at you? Lie about being attracted to other people? Don't try to change it - just watch yourself, from inside. Slowly things change on their own. It's like meditation in life.
In meditation - you have thoughts, you neither embrace them nor push them away - you just let them happen and keep meditating. Life can be like that - things happen, you fall in love, climb a mountain, get a speeding ticket, trip and scrape your knee, you can live it fully - be passionate and engaged, but part of you just observes.
Observes you be passionate, or not, do unwise things, or wise things. Then you don't get lost in the experience. Just like in meditation, part of you just watches it go by, and doesn't get involved.
I used to think the Buddhist idea of detachment was cold, would make life passionless, but maybe this is more what it's about - if this inner character, the inner observer - is healthy and doing her/his thing - you can be totally passionate and engaged with what's going on around you, but not get lost, not lose perspective. Then you are happy. It's weird, I'm not sure why that is, but I think it is.
For instance - just after I came off the raw food cleanse of about 21/2 weeks - I went out last Saturday night with some friends - we started with a tame but fun delicious dinner of salmon, roast potatoes, salad, wine, then not so tame - ended up at a little private bar in Gibsons, and there I am - half drunk, up on the dance floor screaming woo-hoo and leading the charge - inciting people a lot younger than me to let it all go and dance their asses off!
I didn't let myself have fun for years, and I'm still catching up ;) My physical energy, after the raw food - was fantastic. I highly recommend it. But certainly - no matter how much I yelled, boogied, flirted, or consumed - there all along was my inner observer, probably smiling, simply observing.
I had a long conversation about this with a friend in North Vancouver the other night, this and many other topics - we talked about warriorship and carrying the meditative state into life. He, a quite informed and spiritually well-read person, hadn't really heard of the concept of warriorship as an individual path, an expression of 'the Hero's Journey' a la Joseph Campbell. I wonder how much of my current ideas I've read, and how much are just my own theories.
As I've said before, it's not really about being 'good' it's about being whole, being who you are. The observer doesn't care if you're good or not, but will give a little 'ahem' every time you stray from being authentic. I'm not sure how all this fits together - should you be yourself if you're an evil bastard? I strangely suspect that people become evil bastards by not being themselves. But what do I know? I've got it easy - it is my nature to be good (most of the time), which is pretty socially acceptable.
Considering the title of my blog it might be timely to think about Spiritual Warriorship (along the lines of the Buddhist ideal / Carlos Castaneda / Samurai's), Knighthood (or some modern reinterpretation of that) service, meditation, self-realization, and the objective observer. But I think I'll follow it up in a subsequent entry - it deserves some space.
"He will do all the actions of the world but remain deep down unmoved." So said the Bhagwan on the topic of having learned meditation early in life, seeing the depths it can open,and then returning to the world.
I just got a letter from a good friend, a lawyer who's just turned 60, is at the top of his profession, and facing the problems of aging - health issues etc. Sometimes I feel so arrogant for the life I'm living; wandering around, purely indulging myself, thinking and writing about all these things. But I just can't change it. I know that if I'm going to be of any value in this world, or to myself - I have to grow as it comes up. Like a plant - the leaves, flowers, fruit: unfurl, and ripen, and fall - each in their season.
I hope these thoughts are useful to someone, maybe entertaining, maybe they're thinking about the same things. I know for a fact - it is part of my unfolding as a human being.
Mr. Objective n I are on our way back to Tofino - the promised land. In the last five months I've changed my vison of myself - or rather, it has been changed. As I invited - by taking a fool's leap. I feel pretty energized and ready to get back to work - but at what? I think what I've been writing about is pretty indicative of what I really care about - which is where I should be putting my energy and drive. To really "follow my bliss."
I may try some pretty radical professional moves in the next year, or few months - win or lose, I know my companion will be with me. The value of simply observing: observing myself as a traveller, as a lover of life, in nature, in a professional sense, watching my passions, my follies, has been a blessing. In some ways this entry is subsequent to my third entry - "Riding two horses: some initial thoughts on service." Guy was right, it has been a potent force for change in my life.
I'll end (almost) with another quote from the Bhagwan -
"Again let me remind you of the metaphor of the wheel and the axle: the axle remains unmoving; it is because of the unmoving axle that the wheel moves. ... By remaining unmoving it is supporting the wheel to move."
All this time off, revisioning - has allowed me to become peaceful inside, even in action. And because of that - I can feel the wheel start to turn again, as if of its own accord - because of the stillness of the inner core.
I've written this blog from a shamelessly self-centered perspective. There's a reason for that - when I talk to people I find they often identify with my experiences, so I figured I'd tell my story and thoughts, and let people get what they want out of it.
God speaks to each of us when he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Further to fly...
I'm committing blog-crime as I write this. My blogs are now out of order. I started one last night, "Travels with the objective observer" which is not done yet, and now I'm already starting a new one. I promised myself I wouldn't do that. Sorry self. ;)
I just have to.
"The open palm of desire wants everything, wants everything.. "
I am home alone, listening to itunes and surfing the net before I get to bed for 7am yoga. Kinda spaced out and relaxed. I walked by the sea in Sechelt this afternoon for hours, and only got up from a nap/meditation a little while ago.
I said "home"? Anyone catch that? I've been renting a room with a great new friend the past two weeks- a partner in the yoga/raw food challenge (I have fallen pathetically off the raw wagon, but am still doing 11/2 hours of yoga a day - small victories). Another entry on the 'home' concept is coming soon..
I thought I'd start looking at other travel blogs a bit, see what people are up to, and boy, did I find a winner! Gary Arndt's "Everything Everywhere", and the entry I first came to is called "The Lost Girls": http://everything-everywhere.com/2010/11/28/traveler-sunday-the-lost-girls/#more-9507. In this one he is starting to address other people's travel stories every Sunday, so I got two really great stories for the price of one.
The Lost Girls is about three bright young women from New York who spent a year travelling around the world, then kept their website going for other travel writers etc., and wrote a book which is being optioned for a TV pilot. Very inspiring. It's a great story.
I was thinking of that Paul Simon song yesterday (Further to fly), and it's a little apt right now; about moving on - from a relationship, a place, because you simply have further to go, in the words of the Tragically Hip - "It's not a deal nor a test nor a love of something fated." I always heard that as "nor something fated". And for me it's tinged with sadness, full of joy, and relief.
I started, here on the Sunshine Coast, to put down some roots of some kind - or feel like I was. All the time with a sort of trepidation, did I really want to do that? Luckily, I had some quiet time to myself to think about life and where I'm going, and saw that no - I don't. And the Universe agreed with me - the love interest didn't work out, the job I have been working on putting together hasn't worked out yet - still might, but in working out or not has openend my eyes to other fabulous possibilities. But that's one of the points here, and of travel generally - to open your eyes and your mind.
I was so into reading his blog that once I started the little two minute youtube video at the end I kept wondering why I couldn't hear it properly - it was only as it ended and "Further to Fly" came on my itunes, randomly selected out of 6386 songs - that I realized I was listening to two things at once. It doesn't matter - I was just thinking about how inspiring these stories are so that as the song came on, the message got through - I've got further to fly.
Reading others stories also reminded me that I sometimes feel different from some travellers - in that I have no home to return to. I have my brother, but he's as mobile as I am, and I am going back to Halifax - the place I grew up, for Christmas, (which you'll hear all about). But my parents are not there (any more than anywhere else) and I've lived in so many other cities that it's hard to put the label 'home' on anything.
On the other hand - I'm exactly the same as all other travellers - my idols Joshua Slocum and Beryl Markham - the Lost Girls, Gary - we are all putting ourselves at the mercy of the world around us, asking it to change us in ways that we can't imagine for ourselves.
And it always does so.
For now I think I do have further to go, in the world and in my inner journey. I'll leave the Sunshine Coast on Sunday - back to Vancouver, then Tofino, maybe a revisit to Quadra Island, then back to Halifax for the Holiday and to catch up with old friends and family, then back here?
"Whither then, I do not know"
The Sunshine Coast has been fabulous to me - I've formed the most wonderful friendships, with lovely, strong, wise and happy people - that I know I'll have all of my life, and I'll revisit here many times, like December 19th! But other things started to happen here, then did not.
Sometimes I'll be walking down
The street and I'll be thinking
Am I crazy
Or is this some morbid little lie?
What I wonder to be a lie, and I wonder if other travellers whose destinations are unknown to them feel the same way - is that I do have further to fly. I guess, because I have no destination, no timeline, no time or place to stop travelling, because I haven't saved money for this, but rather have to make it work as I go - there is a part of me, the safety seeking (which is perfectly ok) part, that finds a place it likes (I like) and says, "oh, can we stay here??.." And I really don't know what to say, because although I have intended to travel forever in a way - does Fate have something else in store for me? I am just a little sailor, all I can do is read the wind. And set my course. And watch the stars. And hope.
And the stars are beautiful tonight, by the way.
In the mountain village
The wind rustles the leaves.
Deep in the night, the deer
Cry out beyond the edge of dreams.
- Minamoto No Morotada (In Written on the Sky, trans. Kenneth Rexroth)
I hear those deer. I hear the wind rustle the leaves. I smell dreams I can't see yet.
If I could put in the lyrics to the Gypsy, by Charlie Parker, I'd do so.
Just lie back and listen;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy8FgocF3yQ
I just have to.
"The open palm of desire wants everything, wants everything.. "
I am home alone, listening to itunes and surfing the net before I get to bed for 7am yoga. Kinda spaced out and relaxed. I walked by the sea in Sechelt this afternoon for hours, and only got up from a nap/meditation a little while ago.
I said "home"? Anyone catch that? I've been renting a room with a great new friend the past two weeks- a partner in the yoga/raw food challenge (I have fallen pathetically off the raw wagon, but am still doing 11/2 hours of yoga a day - small victories). Another entry on the 'home' concept is coming soon..
I thought I'd start looking at other travel blogs a bit, see what people are up to, and boy, did I find a winner! Gary Arndt's "Everything Everywhere", and the entry I first came to is called "The Lost Girls": http://everything-everywhere.com/2010/11/28/traveler-sunday-the-lost-girls/#more-9507. In this one he is starting to address other people's travel stories every Sunday, so I got two really great stories for the price of one.
The Lost Girls is about three bright young women from New York who spent a year travelling around the world, then kept their website going for other travel writers etc., and wrote a book which is being optioned for a TV pilot. Very inspiring. It's a great story.
I was thinking of that Paul Simon song yesterday (Further to fly), and it's a little apt right now; about moving on - from a relationship, a place, because you simply have further to go, in the words of the Tragically Hip - "It's not a deal nor a test nor a love of something fated." I always heard that as "nor something fated". And for me it's tinged with sadness, full of joy, and relief.
I started, here on the Sunshine Coast, to put down some roots of some kind - or feel like I was. All the time with a sort of trepidation, did I really want to do that? Luckily, I had some quiet time to myself to think about life and where I'm going, and saw that no - I don't. And the Universe agreed with me - the love interest didn't work out, the job I have been working on putting together hasn't worked out yet - still might, but in working out or not has openend my eyes to other fabulous possibilities. But that's one of the points here, and of travel generally - to open your eyes and your mind.
I was so into reading his blog that once I started the little two minute youtube video at the end I kept wondering why I couldn't hear it properly - it was only as it ended and "Further to Fly" came on my itunes, randomly selected out of 6386 songs - that I realized I was listening to two things at once. It doesn't matter - I was just thinking about how inspiring these stories are so that as the song came on, the message got through - I've got further to fly.
Reading others stories also reminded me that I sometimes feel different from some travellers - in that I have no home to return to. I have my brother, but he's as mobile as I am, and I am going back to Halifax - the place I grew up, for Christmas, (which you'll hear all about). But my parents are not there (any more than anywhere else) and I've lived in so many other cities that it's hard to put the label 'home' on anything.
On the other hand - I'm exactly the same as all other travellers - my idols Joshua Slocum and Beryl Markham - the Lost Girls, Gary - we are all putting ourselves at the mercy of the world around us, asking it to change us in ways that we can't imagine for ourselves.
And it always does so.
For now I think I do have further to go, in the world and in my inner journey. I'll leave the Sunshine Coast on Sunday - back to Vancouver, then Tofino, maybe a revisit to Quadra Island, then back to Halifax for the Holiday and to catch up with old friends and family, then back here?
"Whither then, I do not know"
The Sunshine Coast has been fabulous to me - I've formed the most wonderful friendships, with lovely, strong, wise and happy people - that I know I'll have all of my life, and I'll revisit here many times, like December 19th! But other things started to happen here, then did not.
Sometimes I'll be walking down
The street and I'll be thinking
Am I crazy
Or is this some morbid little lie?
What I wonder to be a lie, and I wonder if other travellers whose destinations are unknown to them feel the same way - is that I do have further to fly. I guess, because I have no destination, no timeline, no time or place to stop travelling, because I haven't saved money for this, but rather have to make it work as I go - there is a part of me, the safety seeking (which is perfectly ok) part, that finds a place it likes (I like) and says, "oh, can we stay here??.." And I really don't know what to say, because although I have intended to travel forever in a way - does Fate have something else in store for me? I am just a little sailor, all I can do is read the wind. And set my course. And watch the stars. And hope.
And the stars are beautiful tonight, by the way.
In the mountain village
The wind rustles the leaves.
Deep in the night, the deer
Cry out beyond the edge of dreams.
- Minamoto No Morotada (In Written on the Sky, trans. Kenneth Rexroth)
I hear those deer. I hear the wind rustle the leaves. I smell dreams I can't see yet.
If I could put in the lyrics to the Gypsy, by Charlie Parker, I'd do so.
Just lie back and listen;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy8FgocF3yQ
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