Travels with the Objective Observer

"Why am I so damn happy?" I kept asking myself. I think I first realized it as a strange phenomenon in Northern California, on my way back to Canada, somewhere around Mt. Shasta. As I stated in a previous entry - I should have been lonely. I had been travelling alone for days, speaking to no-one but the hotel clerks. I was soo happy! Bursting with joy.
Why?
I couldn't figure it out. Then I started to. Then I observed myself for a while - to see if I was right.
I may be.
I was happy (aside from the fact that I love to travel) because my 'objective observer' was intact. A part of myself that, no matter what I did, did not get involved - but just observed. "Shall I call Lou and stop at his place or not?" "Shall I stay at Karachi's and go out with all the yoga girls or not?" At each crossroads I had emotional, psychological attachments to each road, each possible way, but the objective observer - he just watched, and could say, 'well, yes, if that, this might happen - and if this, that might happen.."
Nothing was relevant, or irrelevant - it just was. And so - I was freed, free to be myself, simply do what I wanted.
I got a lovely life lesson from an Irish girl I met in a hostel in Toronto in 2006, she stood in the kitchen, leaned back against the sink, and said, "I pretty much do what I want." As if it was a life policy. A damn fine idea, I says.
I might want to do something for someone else, I might want to give my life in service to others, lets not pretend I do it for any other reason than that I want to.
So here I am, driving up the I5, suddenly realizing that I am not lonely because I am not alone - I am with my Self.
I picked up a great book in Edmonton on Sept 11 2007 at a little shop just off Whyte Ave - The Secret of Letting Go, by Guy Finley. He recommends that you never try to change anything about yourself - just observe. It's so empowering. Chicken out every time your boss yells at you? Lie about being attracted to other people? Don't try to change it - just watch yourself, from inside. Slowly things change on their own. It's like meditation in life.
In meditation - you have thoughts, you neither embrace them nor push them away - you just let them happen and keep meditating. Life can be like that - things happen, you fall in love, climb a mountain, get a speeding ticket, trip and scrape your knee, you can live it fully - be passionate and engaged, but part of you just observes.
Observes you be passionate, or not, do unwise things, or wise things. Then you don't get lost in the experience. Just like in meditation, part of you just watches it go by, and doesn't get involved.
I used to think the Buddhist idea of detachment was cold, would make life passionless, but maybe this is more what it's about - if this inner character, the inner observer - is healthy and doing her/his thing - you can be totally passionate and engaged with what's going on around you, but not get lost, not lose perspective. Then you are happy. It's weird, I'm not sure why that is, but I think it is.
For instance - just after I came off the raw food cleanse of about 21/2 weeks - I went out last Saturday night with some friends - we started with a tame but fun delicious dinner of salmon, roast potatoes, salad, wine, then not so tame - ended up at a little private bar in Gibsons, and there I am - half drunk, up on the dance floor screaming woo-hoo and leading the charge - inciting people a lot younger than me to let it all go and dance their asses off!
I didn't let myself have fun for years, and I'm still catching up ;) My physical energy, after the raw food - was fantastic. I highly recommend it. But certainly - no matter how much I yelled, boogied, flirted, or consumed - there all along was my inner observer, probably smiling, simply observing.
I had a long conversation about this with a friend in North Vancouver the other night, this and many other topics - we talked about warriorship and carrying the meditative state into life. He, a quite informed and spiritually well-read person, hadn't really heard of the concept of warriorship as an individual path, an expression of 'the Hero's Journey' a la Joseph Campbell. I wonder how much of my current ideas I've read, and how much are just my own theories.
As I've said before, it's not really about being 'good' it's about being whole, being who you are. The observer doesn't care if you're good or not, but will give a little 'ahem' every time you stray from being authentic. I'm not sure how all this fits together - should you be yourself if you're an evil bastard? I strangely suspect that people become evil bastards by not being themselves. But what do I know? I've got it easy - it is my nature to be good (most of the time), which is pretty socially acceptable.
Considering the title of my blog it might be timely to think about Spiritual Warriorship (along the lines of the Buddhist ideal / Carlos Castaneda / Samurai's), Knighthood (or some modern reinterpretation of that) service, meditation, self-realization, and the objective observer. But I think I'll follow it up in a subsequent entry - it deserves some space.
"He will do all the actions of the world but remain deep down unmoved." So said the Bhagwan on the topic of having learned meditation early in life, seeing the depths it can open,and then returning to the world.
I just got a letter from a good friend, a lawyer who's just turned 60, is at the top of his profession, and facing the problems of aging - health issues etc. Sometimes I feel so arrogant for the life I'm living; wandering around, purely indulging myself, thinking and writing about all these things. But I just can't change it. I know that if I'm going to be of any value in this world, or to myself - I have to grow as it comes up. Like a plant - the leaves, flowers, fruit: unfurl, and ripen, and fall - each in their season.
I hope these thoughts are useful to someone, maybe entertaining, maybe they're thinking about the same things. I know for a fact - it is part of my unfolding as a human being.
Mr. Objective n I are on our way back to Tofino - the promised land. In the last five months I've changed my vison of myself - or rather, it has been changed. As I invited - by taking a fool's leap. I feel pretty energized and ready to get back to work - but at what? I think what I've been writing about is pretty indicative of what I really care about - which is where I should be putting my energy and drive. To really "follow my bliss."
I may try some pretty radical professional moves in the next year, or few months - win or lose, I know my companion will be with me. The value of simply observing: observing myself as a traveller, as a lover of life, in nature, in a professional sense, watching my passions, my follies, has been a blessing. In some ways this entry is subsequent to my third entry - "Riding two horses: some initial thoughts on service." Guy was right, it has been a potent force for change in my life.
I'll end (almost) with another quote from the Bhagwan -
"Again let me remind you of the metaphor of the wheel and the axle: the axle remains unmoving; it is because of the unmoving axle that the wheel moves. ... By remaining unmoving it is supporting the wheel to move."
All this time off, revisioning - has allowed me to become peaceful inside, even in action. And because of that - I can feel the wheel start to turn again, as if of its own accord - because of the stillness of the inner core.
I've written this blog from a shamelessly self-centered perspective. There's a reason for that - when I talk to people I find they often identify with my experiences, so I figured I'd tell my story and thoughts, and let people get what they want out of it.

God speaks to each of us when he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.