Return of the errand knight (travels in a luminous world)

And you got to change
And that’s not easy
Dragon shining with all values known
Dazzling you-keeping you from your own
Where is the lion in you to defy him
When you’re this weak
And this spacey...

I went for a walk on the beach last night around dusk, after finishing work around eight. As the last blurrings of light withered beyond the horizon, and the darkness came out, I reflected on how comfortable I've become with darkness.

A Mountain (my mountain (one of the five that rings Clayoquot Sound (it's a long story))) gave me a gift years ago of being able to see in the dark. The ability faded about five years later, but I kept doing it anyway, walking around in the dark, as if I could see.

All my friends still think I can see in the dark, they say things to me like, "how did you get here without a flashlight?.." I've fostered that illusion. It's more glamorous than the truth: I just put my foot out, and if I don't try to see, and I don't really worry about it - it always seems to land on something...

Sitting by the sea on the rocks last night I felt like I finally understood, because I saw it. The Mountain didn't give me some superpower which later faded, it just let me relax into what we can all do, because: everything has its own radiance. Every rock, and blade of grass, and star, and person, we are all our own light source. I could see it shining out of everything around me. Maybe that's why I've always been comfortable with darkness. Maybe that's what it means to come out of "the cave," or a rabbit-hole.

I wasn't sure if I'd actually find any answers when I went into hiding a few weeks ago. I guess you really can figure things out about yourself, after all! Or maybe the stars just needed to be aligned... I realized that; a) I've got it pretty good, and b) the path I set out on a while ago was a good one, and worth following with all my heart.

I guess I sat in the darkness of the unknown long enough that light just started seeping out of everything, pouring out like rivers. The Path is clear to me now - I'm going to get my licence sorted and drum up more contract work. That will leave me free to do the environmental work I came here for, without any strings attached. Sure, it leaves me on the road a little longer, a 'spy out in the cold,' but that's ok, as Kerouac said "there's nothing nobler than to put up with a few inconveniences like snakes and dust for the sake of absolute freedom." I'm not sure about the 'nothing nobler' part, but it works for me. It's just "nuthin left to lose."

Nothing left to lose and I may as well live my life. Up on Mt. Shasta the seeds were planted for lots of the changes I've made over the last year, and I remember thinking that if I really wanted to do this: to be a lawyer with ideals, a writer, to make movies, to be creative, to 'make a difference,' to have the life of my dreams - I'd have to work hard and have a lot of discipline.

I wrote this down last night as the first line of this blog: Lion in Robert Moss dream said to him - "humans are the only animals that choose to live in cages."

Today I wanted to hear Joni Mitchell's California, and as I was hooking my laptop up to the stereo I turned the radio on, and there on CBC radio one was Joni in all her sexy-voiced-loveliness, singing some wierd song I'd never heard. The lyrics are at the top...

How does this knight defy the dragon? Add up the two lions = don't choose to live in a cage. If I have to work hard, that's great, I've got nothing left to lose, and for the first time in a long time - I know where I'm going.

Walking by the light of everything...

Let's go tonight,
let the beast run a mile
with the dogs and the cattle, let's go