stars

That does not keep me from having a terrible need of - shall I say the word - religion. Then I go out at night to paint the stars.

I'm quoting myself. And Vincent Van Gogh.. Stars. Stars are things we navigate by. Things we dream about, waking dreams. Stars are things we wonder at. Stars, to us - are light.

Writing Joy. If I could say anything I've been doing with this blog, over the last year and a month and a half - it's that: writing my joy.

I could feel my old heart beatin out the simple joy 'a livin'

I can see a time coming when I don't have a blog anymore. Maybe. And I also know I will publish it at some point, at least enough to give copies to friends and family. It will be what you see here plus doodles, pictures, reflections.

At the same time - I'm stunned at times by how happy I am that I've done this - sitting down and reading things (not that I do it a lot), that you've written online, in moments of passion, at emotional and personal highs (and lows) - has a binding effect. Not in a bad way, but you can't get away from your own truths when you have put them out in the world, beyond your reckoning. Like children after you're dead.

It was a wierd summer. People who know me know that. Not the electric highs of supertravelpat, but instead, they felt like lows at times, despite good companionship and beautiful places. Felt like lows, but were not. When I re-read those three entries from August - rabbit hole, surprise trampolines, and luminous world - there are truths about myself underlying them which are simply inescapable. I've kept a journal for years. It's not the same.

This feels like a Promise. A promise to the Universe, to my Self, and to all the World - to let my light shine. A light we all have, and are. To outwardly be the person I inwardly know.

And on tough days, or at times when I'm tempted to make decisions which would not take me towards that Star - it's here, on the internet - the simple truths about who I am, and why I'm here.
In fact, in those hard, strangely lonely, and doubt-ridden days of summer - there was a deep river flowing. And I guess, as I wished in forecasts for Deliverance - I must have blown the dam.

In that time, in the rabbit-hole in Pemberton, and before and after - I remembered.. a dream. And remembering it again seemed like waking from a dream.

One day I will tell that story here, what that dream is - to make this blog complete.

I walked on Mackenzie Beach tonight, after I got home from a dual book-launch, where I thought, (as I did in a law school many years ago (before I went to law school)) - "I could do that."

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at

I walked on the beach, and no - I still haven't learned to stand somewhere that waves won't go over my tall rubber boots. Just like many nights in the last two summers when I had sneakers on and went to hang out at Chesterman's Beach in the middle of the night (without a flashlight) or on Frank Island(where I got caught by the tide numerous times and had to wade back) - I always seemed to have to get my feet wet. Now that I have rubber boots I just get to go out a little further. The thing is - you can see the stars better the farther out you go.

So here I am, walking on the beach on a gorgeous, not-too-cool late Fall evening, with rubber boots and wet feet, staring up at the sky. Wonder of wonders. How old will I be before it loses it's marvel?
If that ever happens - will someone (my brother) - please take me for a 'walk in the woods'?

And, staring up at the stars, in the dark - I was overwhelmed with thanks. For my life, the wonders in it, the people in it, but most of all for Clarity - and for having put it somewhere I can't forget it.
It shines like a star in my life, pointing the way..

There I will find a river flowing,
green through the trees and swift in the sun:
to that bright cove of my enduring
all my dark ways run.