slaying ourselves, oh, lady be good

Walking down College Street in Toronto, a few blocks east of Shaw, was the first time it hit me clearly: just how much energy and time we put into supressing our own energy - avoiding our own power.

At ANY cost.

Most people do it at any cost. We drink. We get in relationships that don't suit us. We lose ourselves in work - fighting for someone else's scraps, we take on causes that are not our own, we eat shite food that makes us feel bad. And we step back, jack, and do it again.

Maybe that's why people love war, deep down - because once there's actually something to do - you can justify letting your energy flow.

We are huge beings. Huge.

I speculated today with my bro that I might take this blog down. I live and work in a small town in a very public way. This blog is very personal. He was dissapointed to hear it and it made me think - what is this blog about? Wasn't it supposed to be my 'cape'?

This blog entry has no theme. I deny any theme. I may start another blog, because there's some political/social/legal stuff I want to rant about. And, you know - this blog is an existentialist, navel-gazing, self-absorbed mockery of a blog.. not the place for that kind of thing.

But, I love it. It makes me feel alive.

While other things I do or blogs I write may be expressions of my ideals for life - this blog is about it. About being a hunter of a good life, an authentic, passionate, errorful, errand-based - Life. 

'Cause this is it, baby.

Ok, I'm going to talk about that other stuff for a minute, just a minute: WE (Canada) recently publicly announced that we'll accept information resulting from torture, as long as we didn't do it (the torturing). In 1987 we signed the "Convention Against Torture" (actually called the "Convention against torture and the cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment 1984").

I don't have time to lose my head
To save us from ourselves

In international law one of the big issues is who can bring a case, and where. It's not the glamourous part, which makes bold quotable statements, but it's the kicker. Unfortunately the Convention has provisions (which Canada has signed onto) that allow a victim of torture to bring a case to the Committee. Which is good. But it doesn't go to the wall - by saying that anyone can bring a case. I would. Canada is violating the Convention, putting blood on all of our hands.

Some causes are a distraction from being alive and powerful in the World. Others are particularly worthy of our particular life-force. Only we can know. I look at people sometimes, and think, "you're wasting your time - on that?" (I try not to do that.. ). And I know people look at me the same way. When I have the balls to step out and be seen.

Here's an offshore note: I'm enjoying being single right now. And, despite some nice opportunities - I noticed that I'm subconsciously avoiding it. "It," being - romance. Sex too. It seems to imperil my writing. Which, frankly, I love more. Not like it's good, I know it isn't. But it's mine.

Had a crazy thought, observing how I've subconsciously sabotaged relationships in the past, and always fought against it, and felt like it was foiling "me," my true desires. It's not - it's making me.

The thought was - instead of fighting it, why don't I just relax and see that this is guiding me - to what I really want. If I'm subconsciously sabotaging a relationship - it's because I don't want it. Why not make it conscious - instead of fighting it?

Wft? It's the craziest thought I've had in a while. And I think I'll start applying it to the rest of my life too. 

It's not momentary: "I don't feel like doing that.  "It's long-term: "this is not making me feel alive and I'm fucking it up."

Sometimes it's the things we have to force oursleves to do that, in fact, our subconscious most embraces. Work, for instance. I have recently found (in the last month or so)(or any time I have a new job and the kind of learning curve that requires a thousand feet of rope and crampons) - I sometimes have to force myself to get started, but once I do - I just want to stay at work. And learn. And excel. And transform myself, like an intentional, fun-loving Otter (see 2012, Face into the Current (if otters can do it.).)) - into something else.

Love is a game where we learn the skills of life. Like baby tigers batting. And it's also the end-game. I had a dream, years ago - where I met Justice, the female archetypal figure. She was a surprisingly young woman; fragile and strong. I fell in Love with her (who wouldn't?) and she left me a note that said, "I Love You." But it meant - "I can only love you - if you truly love me."

I feel like I've taken a trembling step forward recently, with this thought, actually watching myself, my deep inner quoi? that, by it's nature, I cannot be aware of, I can see what I truly love.

Again, I'm listening to music and writing, the Hip, Charlie Parker, and as I was finishing - 'addicted to love.' Perhaps the best way to slay ourselves is to follow our own complete truth, out truest love.

Oh, lady be good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NrfybzpsnY