the transitory nature of being in transit (the Warrior's Path)

When I went into my Dad's apartment after he died I noticed a few things about his bedroom. The bed was on an angle, sort of in the corner - but not quite. And it was scattered with books.
One was lying open on the bed, "The Warrior's Path" by Louis L'Amour. Of course I took it home and read it, and after that gave it to my brother.


As I recall the L'Amour book was sort of about sailboats and pirates. In adjusting my ship's course I recently started reading the ole Bhagwan again - I Am That. And also re-started Warrior of the Light: A Manual, by Paulo Coelho.


And started meditating regularly again. Why? I don't know, I just did.
The Bhagwan describes the value of it as:

This is the meaning of the Upanishadic emphasis of 'action in inaction', or the Zen emphasis of 'effortless effort'... You are not to do anything, just sit silently so you can have an experience of your axle. Sitting silently you become more aware of the axle than the wheel.

His point is that the axle, the core, remains still, and that allows the wheel to move. Rummaging through my old journals last year I found one from when I was working and living on an organic blueberry farm, Matsqui Blue Farms, in Abbotsford, BC. I think I had just turned 21. There was a drawing I did, it was a perpendicular line with a single line spun around it many times, widest at the middle. I had written underneath it - "my soul spinning in perfection." It wasn't a statement, but a goal; to be at once in motion on the outside, and perfectly still on the inside. I was meditating a lot then too, and I guess that's what I still aim for these days.


This year's was a strange winter. After January I went beyond the point I had been able to plan to, and I struggled to find my path. Now that I (and the Universe) have decided on the next leg of my journey it's easier to simply move down that road, and it's exciting too.
That path now involves staying in Vancouver for a while and 'doing things' - like working, finding a place to live, etc. I feel kind of like... when I set out on this path, this journey, I didn't really realize how much it is not different.
It took doing it for me to see that we are all really travellers in life. Some of us find it more secure to stay in one place, or we simply like that, those people too, are constantly changing and evolving. Some of the losses in my life taught me well that everything ends. We are all ultimately travellers, and we all, ultimately - do not know where we are going.


I said to my Dad, in his eulogy, that I would "always move forward and advance on that image of perfection which you have given me."
He was not perfect, far from it. His perfection lay - in that he never gave up. On himself, on life. He never closed to life. That was his biggest lesson to me.

All the world's roads lead to the heart of the Warrior; he plunges unhesitatingly into the river of passions always flowing through his life.

The Warrior knows that he is free to choose his desires, and he makes those decisions with courage, detachment and sometimes - with just a touch of madness.

He embraces his passions and enjoys them intensely.

He knows that there is no need to renounce the pleasures of conquest; they are part of life and bring joy to all those who participate in them.

But he never loses sight of the things that last or of the strong bonds forged over time.

A Warrior can distinguish between the transient and the enduring.

By "enduring" - I think he means things that last a long time, not forever, but who knows? What is really enduring, other than that unmoving axle at the core of everything?
I remember thinking about it walking the leaf-scattered and sun dappled paths of Herstmonceaux Castle in Southern England. I was studying there and had time to goof off, to walk, and just think. And I was in nature, which I love and helps me see my own truth.
I remember thinking how there are basically three things that matter to me: my "work", the people in my life, and day-to-day enjoyment. That last one - I had lost track of for a while and was just starting to get in touch with again at that time. For me, those three things are enduring.


Day to day enjoyment, is as important to me as the other two because you cannot fight your battles, or be of any value to others - if you have a frown on your face. My Dad also taught me that, although it took a long time for me to get it. Make others laugh, appreciate the small beauties - a persons smile, flowers, a starry sky.

When the Warrior watches a sunset and feels no joy, then something is wrong.

At this point, he stops fighting and goes in search of company, so that they can watch the setting sun together.

It's pretty easy to enjoy my days, I live in Kitsilano, have cool room-mates, cats, everyone in the neighboorhood is happy and friendly, and I have options every day in health food cookies, sushi and beaches to walk on, friends to see. And I'm doing my work - have finally gotten myself to a place where I can take part in things that mean something to me, and I'm doing contract work at home that's building my career and experience; sharpening my sword.
What I only realize now, as I write this, is that it has all been guided by love. The service, the importance of the people in my life, the blissful moments. Sometimes I walk down the street (today), and am just blown away by the beauty of it all - some light rain falling on past-their-prime cherry blossoms, the hopeful unsure smile of a person walking past you, water running over dead grass. It's just this love, for everything, all of creation, everyone; good and bad, young and old, for myself, for people's vain hopes, selfish desires, stumbles, and moments of glory.
That love is what's made me who I am, despite the fact that it will all pass, or because it will all pass, and so will I. As a 'Child of God', in my own simple way - I am trying to be the best Transient I can.
So, I'm letting go of my glorious rambling, for now, as I ease myself down into a deeper stream. I guess it's not just about what I give, but what I want - these are my fundamental needs: meaning, people, joy.

A Warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs.

Without love, he is nothing.

You are the deep innerness of all things,
the last word that can never be spoken.
To each of us you reveal yourself differently:
to the ship as coastline, to the shore as ship.

small travels

"Rider, 36 says she made it through her ordeal by focusing on her family and her future. "I wanted to get back to my husband. We're a team. What is it you want out of life? You have to aim for it," she said. "We have a tremendous amount of power within ourselves.""

Her story was; "for eight days she lay trapped in her SUV going in and out of consciousness with no food or water. Her collarbone was broken and she was suffering from kidney damage." She had crashed her car in a 25 ft ravine in Washington State.
This has been an ongoing theme of this blog, it may be a (the) central theme of my life: there is no dress rehearsal.

This is it. It's why we're (some of us) thrilled to watch life and death struggles on the discovery channel, why we like extreme sports, from skiing to bungy jumping, why we fight with our lovers, climb mountains, in our hearts and worlds..  to feel alive.
I left Ontario on July 1 2010. I left having a home, a job, any sort of stability. I had no place to turn to, and no net. Today, May 18, 2011, I finally got confirmation that I have work, contract work, but work nonetheless. I just got a place to live and stopped wandering / staying with friends a few weeks ago. A friend said to me tonight, in honest admiration, of the leap I took and the fact that I have, ultimately, landed on my feet - "you did it."
I'm not meaning to trivialize the compliment, because it really meant a lot to me, but... I did it every day [ok - most days.. ok; one or two???]. Because what it is: is being completely alive and present, to...  now.
If someone offers you love - you open your heart, if you have the chance to make money or move your career forward - you put 100% of your attention on it, if you have the chance to help someone - you drop what you're doing, if you have the chance to travel - "I'm ready, when do we leave?" More importantly, you do have to know where you're going, in some sense.
To quote Tiger the Lion again:

"simply to wake to your life."

Today, for me, that's beginning to have a more acceptable outward appearance of "success". I threw everything away and started over, a couple times. Why?: "You can't have what you want until you give up what you've got."
I'm writing this, saying it - for anyone out there who might be reading it, who's shaking in their boots, "standing on a hill in a mountain of dreams", thinking - "is it real?" or "is my dream just bullshit?" or "can I make it all happen, can I really grab this window, this moment, and make the life I want?"

Yes, you can.

They are small travels. We are all born, and all die, and all have a few glorious moments to sieze. Or many; maybe one every moment...

The story about Rider came from an article in the paper on human's amazing ability to survive.
She's right. "We have a tremendous amount of power within ourselves."

           Wisely watch for the sight
      Of the supernova burgeoning over the barn
Lampshine blurred in the steam of beasts, the spirit's right
           Oasis, light incarnate.

San Francisco and the Winds of Change

Just got back from a road-trip to San Francisco. It was my third time there in less than a year, and this time (again) I saw a very different face of it, and yes - grew to love it even more.
What a great city.

I went with a friend from back east. She was Assistant Navigator. She brought two stuffed animals my brother gave me last year, that I had left in Halifax in February - Charlie (a clingy monkey) and Mully (a cool-headed pelican). They helped navigate, although I still ended up doing it sometimes...
I picked her up at the airport in Vancouver, we crossed the border at midnight and drove down on the I5, stopping the first night in Washington somewhere, and the second at Mt. Shasta. We drove up the mountain the next morning, between walls of snow, and got out and walked around. It was not that big a deal for either of us - reminding me that you can't relive profound experiences.

We got to San Francisco late in the afternoon on Friday and rented a little motel room downtown for two nights -the Orchard Hotel. It was clean and very quiet, and staff was great. We mostly wandered around town - walked all day Saturday - went to Castro, the gay neighboorhood, which was cool, stopped by the Human Rights Centre and Store, we walked all over Haight, upper and lower, and went to Mission.
Haight was a lot like Kensington Market in Toronto. It used to be a centre of activity in the 70's - but I don't think the revolution is being plotted there anymore, although it's still got a cool vibe, neat shops, pubs/cafes, and lots of interesting people.
As neighboorhood's go Mission was probably more my speed, a little rougher around the edges and more interesting, but I think we were both a bit hungry and zoned out while there.
We actually had trouble finding good vegetarian food options (she's veggie) in SF, and ended up neuroticising about food a fair bit. I do that on my own when travelling, but it was wierd to have a partner in it.
As my readers know - I generally travel alone. Our travelling styles were similar enough (in both good and bad ways) that it worked pretty well - enjoying chatting with people as we go, making decisions at the last minute, and/or over-analysing small decisions about food and places to stay.
We left San Francisco Monday morning, crossed the Golden Gate Bridge, and drove up the coast road - Highway 1, through Fort Bragg, then to the 101, and stopped at Arcata for food at the health food store. This was the first place my navigator got something good to eat, but it was about 7:30, and this was lunch! I think we hit a time warp on that drive, or maybe were kidnapped by aliens for a few hours (have I been reprogrammed? ;)). I had a blood-sugar-freak-out afterwards.
It was a hell of an intense drive, and I was a bit fried at the end of it. About 3500 km in five days, with two of those not drivng at all... ouch. Highway 1 is, however, so worth it. So gorgeous. We stopped and looked at some redwoods, walked on a beautiful beach, and otherwise, well - drove. Really, a full ten days should be the minimum for such a trip but hey - this was all we had! I'd still rather travel than not. As far as all that driving goes - I know that I'm an environmental disaster. I'll just have to make up for it.

We spent that night in Oregon, then stopped in Victoria for a night at her friend's place, who is awesome.

At the end of the journey we ended up sitting in the car for four hours waiting for the ferry to Vancouver. It was a good time to nap (we were totally exhausted), digest the trip a bit, and feel.

I've had trouble blogging at times over the last few months, because this blog has been so intensely personal, and that has been part of the point - so people could see and understand my journey, both inside and out. But I've found it challenging with someone in my life - to know where to draw the line.

A lot has changed in my life over the last few weeks, my friend whose place I have been staying at is moving to Saskatoon, leaving one less great friend in Vancouver, and less importantly - me looking for a new place to live, which I now have.  The biggest change for me is - I've committed to being in Vancouver - finding work and building some community here. Why? It's summer and it's a great city - there's tons of cool stuff to do and cool people to do it with.

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Again, I turn my ship into the wind, this time, however, I don't feel a gathering storm, but a rising breeze. A friend said to me years ago, and I think I've quoted before, "stow your oars and hoist your sails." As soon as I committed to stay in Vancouver things started falling into place - work and home.

Thanks, Assistant Navigator, for your grace, humour, friendship, obsessing, and some pretty good navigating ;). It looks like the winds of change were blowing through us both in San Francisco, planting whispers in our ears of better things to come, reminders of a bigger world. I enjoyed the hours of talking about life, over a steering wheel and tires rolling out ribbons of mile behind us.
I'm thankful for another visit to California. Each time it becomes more clear that I'll probably live there some day, in some way. Each time I go I am changed.

The winds of change are still blowing fair, sails are ruffling, I'm checking my map, adjusting my compass, and looking to the distant horizon.

The whole course of things goes to teach us faith. We need only obey. There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word.
Why need you choose so painfully your place and occupation and associates and modes of action and of entertainment? Certainly there is a possible right for you that precludes the need of balance and willful election. For you there is a reality, a fit place and congenial duties. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which animates all whom it floats, and you are without effort impelled to truth, to right and a perfect contentment.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

March 13th. Finding a Place to Happen

Your intuition, your inner guidance, supports your higher life purpose, but many of us have a tendency to ignore it. Sometimes, the universe steps in and gives you an extra push with an amazing synchronicity.

I'm pretty sure I saw a golden eagle today. Which is wierd. I guess this entry might be about... life purpose, how you find it, and how it finds you.

Sometimes it's hard to tell golden eagles from juvenile bald eagles, both generally appear as completely dark. But I've seen quite a few juvies over the last 6 months, and they tend to look patchy, whereas goldens, even though they do have some light splotches, tend to appear totally dark in bad light. Who knows. They live in that area, so I'm going to assume it was because... that works for me.

I was in Surrey BC, it was about 8:45 am, and I was driving by a salt marsh. I was listening to "looking for a place to happen," by the Tragically Hip.
I thought, "maybe after work I'll take a drive along the coast and see if I see a golden eagle..." I've thought of March 13 as my 'eagle-birthday' since my first sighting of one on that day in 2005. It was a moment of awakening, and the golden eagle is the bird the 'Phoenix' is based on - symbol of rebirth, so it's kinda like a birthday.
I literally completed that thought, and a huge bird of prey lifted out of the marsh to my left, and flew over the highway in front of me.
I couldn't stop, too much traffic. I didn't need to. I thought at first it was a bald eagle, looked for the white tail - none; I peered. My eyes aren't what they used to be, but it was all dark, like the one I saw on March 13th 2005.

Preface: let's be clear - I don't necessarily think animals are sending me messages, although I haven't ruled that out. But I am sure that I can take whatever lessons I want from the world around me. As a synchronous event (4 seen in my life, 2 on March 13th's, both March 13th's being Sundays): I guess it does bear the question of what these things mean, no pun intended.

To ascribe an intention to chance is either the height of absurdity or the depth of profundity - according to the way in which we understand it. - Arthur Schopenhauer

Sighting 1 - March 13th 2005. It was a Sunday afternoon, I was on my way to school to study. I was in second year law school. My life was a mess, my marriage was a disaster, my career - was in question - I was unsure of what direction to go. And then I saw this giant thing -  I'm sure she had a ten foot windspan - on the Arm in Halifax. I almost crashed, pulled my car over, watched. The seagulls didn't know what to make of her - they crowded around, but were afraid to get close and there was huge empty space around her. I watched her till she flew off, into the mystery.
I say her because, among birds of prey, females are larger. It's hard to imagine a bird bigger than this. I've seen hundreds of bald eagles, this bird was significantly larger than any I've ever seen.
She said: "Follow your highest ideals." It was an absolute turning point in my life. I started making changes, making decisions based on what I really wanted out of life, and where I wanted to go.

 Nature's a temple where living columns

 Sometimes deliver messages in riddles;

 Man makes his way through forests of symbols

 That watch him with intimate knowledge.

        - Baudelaire

Sighting 2 - Geneva, June 2006. I don't remember the day, it's in one of my journals. It was also a Sunday afternoon. It was our last afternoon in Geneva, a city I love, and we had it off. I was there, as the final stage of my law degree - doing a certificate in international public law - "save the world" type stuff. All Geneva brought up for me, despite visits to the Red Cross and UN headquerters - was that I wanted to be an artist one day, in the future, when I got sick of "saving the world."
Walking back with my friend Anatoly from the health food store in France I had insisted we go to  (it was about 2 hours away, I bought some cookies - they were good) we met up with some other students. It was a sunny early summer afternoon, we were walking along the lake shore, laughing, talking; goofing off. I hadn't let myself goof off, or really enjoy life - for years. It's been hard to re-learn. I was obsessed with some skewed self-image of being sober and responsible. Which I thought excluded fun. There was this bird, clearly a bird of prey - flying around above us as we walked back to the hotel in the sunny sunshine.
He was just goofing off - whirling around, doing flips, and spins, turning over in the air - showing off a bit, but not for us, or anyone - but just to say; "I can." Or maybe "wheeeeee!"
I went back to the library and discovered golden eagles live in Switzerland, and they are the only bird there that fits his description. Hmph.
He said: "remember to enjoy the process - have fun!"

"I don't dream in the night so much, or don't remember. I dream like this. I need to know if I should go out west, and I look up and there are three geese in flight, flying west like an arrowhead, with a hawk in front of them. Those three geese, the way they were flying, told me to go west." - Freida Jacques, Mother of the Turtle Clan of the Onondaga People.

Sighting 3 - The Rockies, the Yellowhead Highway, late July 2010. Clyf and I were driving across Canada, well, part of it. I hate it when people say that when they're driving from Ontario or Quebec to BC. Ummm?
We were driving along in silence, the Hip on the stereo (again, I know). "Let's stay engaged" was playing. There was some road kill up ahead. Two ravens came along and chased off a big bird of prey as we got close. It's colour was clear as it swooped off across the highway in front of us, flying fast, low down, between some trees, with the two ravens chasing it: it had a golden sheen.
Clyf and I looked at each other - "was that?" "um, really?" "Holy shit."
"That was a golden eagle, wasn't it?" Clyf said. I said, "yes, it was."
That lesson was more nuanced: "Stay engaged," it has two interpretations for me (Clyf, did it say anything to you?).
One element is romance - "take your time, there's no rush. If someone cares about you they'll hang around." It has taken me a while to get that, but considering we've moved on to the next lesson - I guess I've got it enough to scrape by. The other is - to stay "engaged" with life. Stay engaged with the world around me, do things/work of concrete value, stay connected, stay grounded.
The two are one. For me. Balance in personal relationships + being the way I like to be in the world (in it) = happiness. A rich spiritual life is important to me too, but that element's a given. Clearly.

Your function is to create the point of your life.

In so doing, you create your Self.

You decide

who and what you really are -

and who you are going to be.

Sighting 4. March 13th, 2011. Also a Sunday. Last night I started a little book I had kicking around my car that I picked up over the summer. It's called "Bringers of the Light," by Neale Donald Walsch. It seemed a bit pretentious, but looked neat too.
The first chapter is called, "Life is pointless, and that is God's greatest gift." I've thought that for years, but it was a nice reminder - you can just pick whatever you want to do, or what your meaning of life is, which I suppose is what I've done. Maybe this is a reminder that I can change that too, refine it.

"Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer." - Joseph Campbell

The phrase, looking for a place to happen - kinda says that: where do you choose to happen? Where do you want to choose to happen? Where do I?
Because we can pick anything we want: money, or meaning, relationships, love, family, stability, adventure, God, ourselves, any combination, anything we can imagine - and, like the lesson from the Razors Edge and Apocalypse Now - "everyone gets what they want."

Life is synchronous. I've had lots of self doubt lately as I look for work and try to find my next step, so this event, like the other three, also says - "don't worry - you're on your path." I've been doubting that lately because I can't see my next step, but the point is - whatever that next step is - that is my path - my 'place to happen,' as long as my heart says yes. Old Joe also said:

If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path.

Thank you.

Take off and landing, reflections...

Ok, going to keep it a little more mundane this time (or - I'll do my best). I realize my last entry may have won some awards for obscurity, especially for non-Tragically Hip fans.
Besides, I don't seem to have as much time for writing these days, or more importantly - reflection. That is one of the really nice things about being on a genuine wander - you've got lots of time to think! And I need a lot - 'cause I'm pretty slow.


Take off, landing,  - in the life of an adventurer, traveller through life; take off = leaving to go travelling. Pretty easy, most people have done it. Landing = coming home. Really easy. If you live with your parents. Or a spouse. Or if you have an apartment and job to come back to.
If you gave up your apartment and job, and are far away from where you started - it's a little more complicated.
I gotta say, this is my first time doing this: making the transition from active travelling, without a place to return to, to stopping somewhere for a while - setting up a job, place to live, etc. This landing has been about as graceful as a drunk duck in a windstorm. Thank God I have good friends.


I put it off too long - until I was already in an awkward position. I should have started looking for a job in August. I think part of my delay was that I had reservations around 'settling' - and wanted to keep moving/doing exciting things. Tripped up by own self-image!
Not the first time...


Life has helped me see that I am in fact going forward regardless, using an image I used in the last entry: that of sailing far from shore, like the Viking explorers, feeling like you're way out at sea and the only way you'll ever see land, green, or fresh water again - is to go back, then suddenly you see - ahead - Land! New land. A new world.
Or in the language of Apocalypse Now - once you get outta the boat - the only thing to do is go foward.


Every travel has some sketchy moments, or you're not doing it right.
I remember the first time I went hitchiking, anywhere far. I was 19. I looked 12. I set out to hitchhike across Canada. It was July 18th 1992. I knew some guys in Sussex NB, one of Canada's two absolute hitchhiking dead-zones (the other is Wawa Ontario), and figured I could crash there my first night, knowing I wouldn't get past Sussex (or thinking that, I actually blew by it the year after that.. ).
Anyway, the guys weren't around. There were no campgrounds, no hostel, no nothing. This was my first night "on the road." My skills were not sharp. I slept in the woods, under the stars, next to the highway.
I didn't have a good sleep, as this was my first night ever sleeping out with no tent, and it takes some getting used to (I had a tent, the best tent ever - an outward bound 1.5 person, but it would have been visible from the highway).
Now I love it - sleeping under the stars.
There was a little hotel next door to my patch of woods by the highway, and I got up the following morning to investigate breakfast and maybe make a phone call. It was 7:30 am. Breakfast - was expensive and looked crappy. I skipped it in favour of backpack supplied peanut butter sandwiches.
I was feeling - daunted. My first night/day of travel had not gone that well. Was I crazy? Were my friends, who held a funeral for me the night after I left, right - was I just setting out to get myself killed? Was my love of adventure and lust to see the world - just a veil for self-destructiveness? What in the ff did I think I was doing? I asked myself.
I called my Mom, she thought I was 'getting the bus' across Canada. It seemed like a necessary fib.
But she could tell, at 7:30 am, that I was troubled and a bit scared. She asked me to come home. Said she'd help me do it right, if this was what I really wanted - organize things, get the bus/plane set up properly - have places to stay lined up. Tempting, I was tempted.
To do what? Seek safety? Turn my back on my self?
I think there's a time and place to seek safety, and a time to take risks.
I walked down to the highway, young, scared, facing a world I knew nothing about. I looked east, back, the past. I looked west - forward - the future, the unknown, uncertain.
I took out my piece of cardboard and wrote 'Edmonston' on it, put out my thumb, and kept going. By that night I was in Quebec city partying with a crazy Scottish guy named Angus, the morning of doubt forgotten, but never really forgotten. I had moved forward into - the person I am today. And my friends who held a funeral for me, because they thought I'd never make it, surely be killed, were right. That Pat that they knew - never returned.


"The person who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore." Dale Carnegie

Maybe Dale, maybe.


Now I'm in BC looking for work etc. The winter just gone by has felt a bit similar to that moment, although I'm not sure what safety I would or could have sought. At this point in life it seems more clear that there is only one direction - forward. Although it has many guises.


For now, I've seen that I need to get my career on track so I can A - continue to do work of value and meaning to me, and B - have the flexibility I want in life, to travel more, to live in other places in the future, enjoy life and make room for more people in it. And C - to make some friggin money!


While I have committed to this lifestyle - I never intended to be a sad lonely wanderer all my life (I've hardly been sad and lonely!). But rather to figure out this lifestyle, and then make room for others, so I could one day maybe have a partner in this fiasco, and possibly some progeny as well. Maybe a home base. I never intended to give those things up but rather - to have it all, if possible: a life of passion and adventure, filled with love, and guided by love for my fellow man, or something... beyond; God, Truth, whatever you call it. "Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we set up the capacity to receive it." (Rabindranath Tagore). When I set out last July 1st that was what I was doing - setting up the possibility of having the life of my dreams.


The road goes ever on and on
down from the door where it began


A young Lady sent me this quote recently, and it reminded me of that moment way back then on the highway, the winter I've been passing through. I think this is one of life's toughest lessons:

"Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. To stay with that shakiness - to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge - that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic - this is the spiritual path."  - Pema Chodron

Sticking with that feeling of wanting to get revenge?? My bro is a spiritual master. ;) He is, actually.
I'm pretty good at embracing uncertainty in some areas of life - not as good in others. But I'm learning. On a more mundane note: landings. For those out there who are also travelling without a place to land or go back to:


- Find a job sooner than later.

- Don't see stopping, getting a job and apartment, as a let down - it's part of the journey!
- Line up numerous places to stay.
- Have a back up plan - if you don't find work when you plan to - how to survive and keep things moving ahead.
- House-sitting is good. It's an easy way to get a cheap pre-fab place to live/stay. And some personal intro's.

Some of these things I did, and others I can now see the value in. I've certainly embraced uncertainty. That doesn't mean I'm not scared shitless occassionally, or I don't fall on my face now and then. But, if you never fall on your face - have you really taken any risks?

So, there's two divergent themes in this blog. Or are there? Clearly, I don't believe that. But how do take off/landing, and that moment of crossing the borderline - fit together?

ps - as I hit publish - just finished watching Joe Kidd, with Clint Eastwood. Suddenly saw that his character he developed over those movies-  clearly formed but rough around the edges in Joe Kidd - is archetypally the same as Conan. It is the essential male spiritual warrior. Good at the core, aloof, unattached.

Really? Pat, you're crazy.

More on that later.

For now, also in that movie: those mountains - rolling, sharp peaked, warm, forbidding - interior California..

I miss California. Like the first time I came to BC, like I said before; it is in my soul. Like music you hear and never forget. Like BC, I think I might maybe live there one day.

Brother, my brother, whither do you pass?

Unto what hill at dawn, unto what glen,

Where among the rocks the faint lascivious grass

Fingers in lust the arrogant bones of men?

Ok, it's been awhile (No Threat).

Where have I been? Well, since my last entry I have been to Halifax and back, and now I'm in Vancouver again, staying with a very good, hospitable friend while I try to find a job.

Hm. I walked around Stanley Park this afternoon, the west facing afternoon sunny side. It was windy and cool, and the sun was really bright. It reminded me of a day in August/Sept, walking the beach at Point Reyes in Northern California. I like that feeling - like the wind and sun are passing right through you: 'you' seem somehow less relevant, more able to let go of all the bullshit notions you've got of who you are, who you were, and where you're going.

Because it's only when we let go of those illusions, and delusions, that we can start living. Or keep living.

I went back to Halifax for a number of reasons - to take care of some personal stuff I didn't finish up while there over the holidays, despite the no white flag policy, and: to see a woman. The mermaid, of course, who else would a wandering adventurer fall for in a fun, seedy port and a nation's ocean playground?
It was a fabulous, fabulous visit. Who knows where it will go, but we spent a lot of time outdoors, walking beaches and one another's favourite places, a lot of time alone together, and met / saw friends and family.

I've started a number of entries in the last 12 days or so, and wrote a whole one in paper in my journal on the plane. They may get written out here one day, in some form. The written one was about meditation, love, travel, and the objective observer. I haven't been objective enough to type it out. ;)

Work. Wtf? I thought I was on a wild, crazy adventure! Do I need a job(incredulous)?
Yes, yes I do.
True liberty is being in your right place. I was in it, and man, it was fun! After a lot of death, divorce and mountains of bullshit, I needed a break, I took it, and, like the pine I mentioned many blogs ago (two horses?) it was slightly selfish and... right. A starving person can't feed others.
And, in the vein of that blog I think I am now trying to drive my chariot with two different opposite horses, not black and white, but one the colour of clay, the other - see through. An empty cup and day to day reality. I guess this blog is even more full of strange references and oddly placed allusions - but what can I say, I haven't written for a while, and I've got pent up obscurity!

how will I know?
how will I know if I'm helping?
moreso, how will she know if I'm helping?
if I'm not in the saddle, I'm nothing - that's right!

I must admit I'm finding the job hunt challenging - it seemed I had so many professional options back in December, but now that I want them - they're playing hard to get. That's fine. I'm at a point of transition, taking my adventure from one phase to the next - now the new world I'm entering is not geographical, but personal, social, professional - all places you could say I've been before, but I think what is new, unknown, and as-yet-undiscovered - is the possibilty of a new kind of authenticity, living my ideals in a real tangible way here in the world.

And I'm glad I went to Stanley Park today and stood in that wind, and let that sun pass right through me - to 'empty my cup' - because clearly - on this point of transition - I wouldn't be having difficulty if I didn't have any bullshit illusions about who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. What are they?

If I knew, I'd be sparing myself what is, I'm sure, a really great life lesson!

I suspect it's something about manifestation, about taking ideas and making them real, which sometimes means a few alterations. And I know - some aspects are okay to alter, others are not, and that the trick is knowing which is which. I'm not sure I have the trick yet.

However, I do know some things that are pretty important to me:
1 - Life is fabulous, even on the challenging days, it is a mind-blowing adventure, and being in it, seeing it's constant iridescent, shimmering, shocking, utterly terrifying beauty, and horror, and imperfect perfection - is the only worthwhile use of any moment. Harder than it looks though.
2 - We are all made of clay. We live in clay. If we have big ideas; we have to make them out of clay.
3 - I have a job - I explore. I think the world I'm exploring now is scarier than Compton, but a lot more worthy to me. Although Compton was fun to pass through.
4 - I love writing. (Not saying I'm good at it, or that anyone reads it. Ok, my bro and a few friends and mer-people read it, and a Russian couple that are architects. They compete with my bro for the 'most faithful reader' prize. It will involve cookies. They'll probably be organic, preservative free (and made by me), so they may not mail well. Considering that, if the Russians win - they should probably come here and get them. In which case, I guess I should throw in dinner, a big bottle of vodka, and a place to crash for the night. If my bro wins I guess we'll mail the vodka to the Russians anyway, so really - you're already ahead of 'Pats homemade cookies.' Maybe they should go for second prize. The prizes will awarded at the thousandth entry, or when I'm 127 years old, whichever comes first.)
5 - I know there are bad mermaids out there, but there are good ones too. One's who believe in liberty, ideals and reality, and perhaps - interdependance vs. codependance. Or is that me? Did you know that some maple trees, who have very deep tap roots, bring three times the water they need to the surface, and distribute it to the plants around them? Crazy maple trees.
6 - I've "put safety fifth."

Little mermaid, you lured me, with your bad intentions. You lured me with talk of still more talk. I love it when you ramble. Are we the completists? I'm not sure what he means by that, so I don't want to say yes or no. Cleary, I am, once again - drinking beer and listening to the Tragically Hip. How else would I write a blog? Or are we "volition moving in the paths of chance."? Dunno. Time will tell.

But I do know that - I do miss my ma and pa, but not the way that I do miss you.

a door where there was none...

Ok, I've been working on this entry way too long. Not much blog-time these days, but it's been time well spent. :) I drafted this about 10 days ago, I'm just going to edit and post. There's lots more to say in the next entry...

So, 'the Rover' is back in Vancouver. Spent a few days on Quadra Island again, seeing my dog and some friends. My friend Gabriel thinks Nootka is his dog, but really - he's mine.

What is this entry about?, I ask myself. A feather (another one ;), a turn, a surprise, a long long wonderful road called life. A door. Where to begin?

There it was, suspended in the rain, in some thin bush, under a tree, on Rebecca Spit, on Quadra Island. A white tail feather from a bald eagle. As I said in "The Sea (it's warm and it's safe here)," - "in the mail!"
And again, I'm drinking beer and listening to the Tragically Hip. But this was not mailed to my bro, but to the mermaid in my life.

I guess this entry may be about faith.

I went to the spit with some friends. They brought beer, I did not. We wandered in the rain and chatted, the dogs chased each other, a giant white mutt and a pug, sweet friends. I shuffled through the beach-side debris, little chunks of wood ground up by the Sea. Dawdled. Stood. Conversation moved to something I couldn't keep my attention on.
My attention was in Halifax, so I walked off alone.

In 1993, living on the beach at Schooner Cove, the place "The Sea" is about, I was sitting one morning making breakfast, Gabriel was off being energetic, and there was no-one else around. The eagle flew over, the third or fourth day in a row this scene had happenned - he flew out to sea every day, it seemed, to fish for the day, a strange lifestyle - but he was a widower, and probably developed odd habits to ease his grief. His wife (they mate for life) was killed earlier that year for her feathers. I can hardly say anything about that on the internet that might not haunt me later...
Anyway, this particular morning, he flew over. I looked up. Said, 'good morning' as had become our custom. As I put my head down I said/thought, wtf??  and looked back up. There was something - white, fluttering - in the sky behind/below him..
I watched, in awe, paralysed. Slowly it fluttered down, and without my moving a muscle, landed right between my feet. It was a white tail feather. Like he had dropped it on me. He had.
I was stunned and humbled and awed.
I picked it up, held it resting in my two hands, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever held in my life, not just because of what it was, but how it came to me.
Acquisitiveness -the desire to possess something, I learned that word from Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse. I felt that all of a sudden: I wanted it. It was such a powerful symbol, thing - like the ring in the Lord of the Rings. Immediately I said to myself, "no, Pat, you must give it away." And I said secretly inside myself, "if the Universe (God, whoever) really wants you to have this - it will find its way back to you."

As soon as my friend Gabriel came back to camp I gave it to him. He said to me at some point in that period, "Pat, you should be an environmental lawyer.." I couldn't see that as a possibility then. It takes years to open doors in your mind, and heart. To let yourself see the worlds that lie at your feet.

In 2008 I was living in Edmonton and went back to Tofino for the first time since 1993. I reconnected with those old friends from the beach. I moved to Toronto that May to article with MOE, and one of those friends sent me a care package 'from the beach.' No-one knew the eagle story.
I opened it, and pulled out a white tail feather. My friend Martha had found it on the beach by our old campsite, the first one she'd ever found, and immediatley thought, "that's for Pat." Of course, for those who know me - I cried a bit. It was the Universe saying to me, loud and clear - "Everything you need, everything you should have, will be given to you, you don't need to worry, seek it out, or cling to it." It said, "jump, and I will always catch you."
I wouldn't be here if not for that.
Part of that, for me, was jumping into being alone. Although I certainly haven't felt alone. But the risk has been ever present. And I've been vastly single for quite some time (until very recently). And it's about embracing the uncertainty of life, because if you're going to let go and let the Universe give you what you should have - you have to be willing to risk that there are certain things you shouldn't have.
So, when I found the white tail feather, hanging in a branch, I knew it was for her, the bad mermaid, good mermaid, damsel, and 'buddy', in my life. She is also a little bird, and a giant soul. You have it now. As I let go of the feather back then, what I let go of in this journey, over the late summer and fall, was my hopes for love in my life. Not that I gave up, I just let go.
And, in traipsing off into the wilderness of life, the great unknown future, following my bliss, I have found a door I didn't know was there. Or it found me.
The Universe will always give you what you should have. Perhaps more readily if you let it go. And I - am soaring with gratitude.

As a traveller, what do you do when a new door opens for you, a door where formerly there was nothing? And you can see a whole new world of possibilities; green fields, sunshine. How many of these doors do we get in life? I've talked, at times in a not-so-humble way, about making leaps of faith, having the courage to step out and put myself at risk, will I step through? Have I already? ;) Can I admit to being scared?

cause in the 'fergit yer skates' dream
you can hang your head in woe
as diverse as ever scenes
You know which way to go

I think I know which way to go...